Some folks over at Cracked think they have compiled the quintessential boozer’s list. Surely they realize the error of their ways. No website has more alcoholic readers than this one. Their list of the five worst ways to get drunk is a real letdown, mostly because it contains obscure drinks from far-off places like Russia, India and Kenya. Not only that, they’ve loosely defined the definition of an alcoholic beverage to include shit that is mixed together with jet fuel or battery acid. It’s a wonder they didn’t add Jenkem to their list and call it a form of booze.
Okay, so 1,400+ people have “dugg” the article, none of whom have ever even tried “Tharra,” or “Pruno” or “Changaa”. Wouldn’t it make more sense to compile a list of the world’s five worst ways to get drunk using drinks that aren’t totally inaccessible to 95% of the population? It might not be as informative as the Cracked article, but as a reader I would be more impressed by a list of five kinds of booze that will fuck me up that I can walk down to the corner store and purchase, instead of having to fly 10,000 miles around the world to countries where the production of alcohol is controlled by criminal gangs. That’s why I’ve decided to make my own list, using accessible forms of booze that pretty much any one of you can find on your own.
You won’t find any references to moonshine or bathtub gin on this list, because I think all of us have had the same experience being at a bar when some surly dude rolls up next to you with a jar of clear liquid that he tells you his brother-in-law brews in his basement in Tennessee. Then he stands there smiling while you un-screw the lid — pretending not to notice the cheesy skull and crossbones hand-painted on it — and down the entire contents of the jar in one chug, which is usually followed by a few hours of…well…blacking out, I guess. Anyway, Good luck, should you choose to try any of these. Happy drinking!
5. Popov – My first few years in college, I did not drink very much. I had yet to find my taste for craft beers and find bourbons. My exposure to alcohol, like most kids my age, included shitty cheap and foul beers. The worst of the shitty cheap vodkas was definitely Popov, which I enjoyed thanks to my friend Z. He brought over a giant plastic jug of it one night and after a handful of shots I decided to swear of vodka for the rest of my life. Not only did it smell and taste like rubbing alcohol, but the drunk feeling it provides is on par with having a sledge hammer raised to your skull. I think the reason Popov is only available in plastic jugs is because the majority of its drinkers are the types of dudes who like to get really drunk really fast and then go out looking for someone whose head they can break a glass bottle over. At least the folks who manufacture it have our safety in mind.
4. Black Label 11-11 – When I used to drive to shows at the First Unitarian Church in Philadelphia, my route was filled with several low-price liquor stores. That’s where I discovered this modern marvel of booze. I should have known from all the vagrants and bums passed out on the steps of the store not to bother entering, but I thought I was a tough young man who could drink with the commoners. I was wrong. Black Label 11-11 tastes like horse piss and burns your throat, your esophagus and everything it touches as it travels through your body. You know those little camera pills doctors will give you when they’re searching for ulcers? It’s like that in the sense that you can see it working its way through your body, but in the case of 11-11 it’s like swallowing a sword. One forty-ounce bottle of this had me wondering if it was better to sit outside the church and cry all night than to go inside and see a really cool concert.
3. MD 20/20 – The Cracked list included Thunderbird (which is referenced in that Townes Van Zandt song “Talking Thunderbird Blues”, but I think it’s easier to find Mogen David 20/20 (which is referenced in the Elliott Smith song “Kiwi Maddog 20/20”, but it’s a fucking Hebrew fortified wine, and the MD doesn’t actually stand for “Mad Dog”). They don’t make the really high ABV one anymore, but I think the ones they currently produce hover around 10-13%? It makes your mouth and stomach completely numb, and the “flavors” aren’t so much a variety as they are a “pick your poison” wheel of fate that will leave you wondering why the fuck you’re so stupid for choosing this abomination.
2. Canadian Mist – Late summer when I was drinking to black out a lot, Sari used to purchase bottles of this “whisky” for $4 at the corner store. Now, I’ve never puked from drinking too much, and I don’t have much of a gag reflex, but Canadian Mist is the closest I have ever come to both retching and vomiting without even being drunk. I remember pounding a bottle of this shit with her and her friend at the Hyperion Tavern and, after fifteen or twenty minutes, stumbling around calling friends back home because I felt like I was going to be sick and needed to take my mind off the horrible taste in my mouth and the vile liquid bubbling in the cauldron of my stomach. This is by far one of the worst ways to get drunk.
1. (insert name) Thai Rum – You can find Sangsom most places and taste a fairly poor rum, but the one that my mother brought back for me from her trip to Thailand (the name of which I can’t remember) was the most horrible thing that has ever graced my palate on its way to getting me drunk. In fact, I’m amazed that customs even let her enter the country with this shit, but I guess when deciding to grant a woman access back into America, it’s more likely the officials at the airport are going to confiscate a nondescript bottle of homemade Thai whisky with a dead cobra in it than a bottle of homemade Thai rum with a poor excuse for a manufacturer’s label affixed to it. Shortly after I sat down in front of the television at my mother’s apartment drinking the 300ml bottle, I regretted unscrewing the lid. My eyes were watering and I couldn’t breathe well. Shortly after I started to feel regret, I started to feel really sick. My chest and stomach hurt, and I couldn’t concentrate on the movie I was watching. Shortly after I started to feel really sick, it was mid-afternoon the following day and I was on the floor of my bedroom stuck between my dresser and the wall. Yeah, that was definitely the world’s worst way to get drunk. I’ll have to call home and ask the name of that stuff. It was a life-altering experience.
