Holy shit, you guys, fucking LOST last night was unreal. And now the reality sets in: summer, fall and winter will all pass before the next new episode airs eight months from now. The Super Bowl will probably occur before the next new installment of LOST, and football season is still about 100 days from starting. That’s fucking tragic.
CNN and Career Builder have once again teamed up to create one of the all-time bonehead top ten lists. They’ve already conquered the “ten things not to do at work” list, which I amended for them, “companies that hire at-home workers,” “what working moms miss and wish for,” and “tips for quitting your job.” This week, the dynamic dopey duo have tacked the “top ten summer jobs”. The article preaches to students in an attempt to get their lazy, good-for-nothing asses into the workforce (probably so they can pay into social security so the aging bay boomers who are going to deplete the fucking thing), but the picture used in the article clearly shows a frumpy hausfrau bitch working a service industry job. It’s as if the author is trying to make some kind of dull-witted commentary about how even useless old fucks like baby boomers sometimes give back to the communities from which they usually rape and pillage (mmm…pills) and then blame on younger generations.
So what do I think about their “top ten summer jobs”, If they weren’t all moronic or retarded (office assistant? To whom, might I ask? Some ‘boomer exec whose staff of equally overvalued old farts are too self-absorbed to notice the onset of his Alzheimer’s?), it’d be an okay list. Satan knows the world could use more lifeguards and landscapers this summer! Oh, wait, brain-dead cum dumpster girls from the Jersey shore and illegal immigrants already have those two jobs covered!
10. Summer Camp Counselor – The one list item CNN and Career Builder got right. I’m pretty sure no one gets more ass than summer camp counselors, especially if you can score a job at one of those East Coast Jewish overnight camps. If you’ve ever attended one of those camps, you know exactly what I’m talking about. If you’ve haven’t, but you’ve seen Wet Hot American Summer, you don’t know the half of it. Oh my God, the stories I could tell about my youth, and the fine pieces of ass my counselors used to bring back to my bunk. Shit, as I camper I was wrist-deep in pussy from the age of thirteen on…I can’t even imagine what it would have been like if I sucked it up and took the measly $750 offer to be a counselor for eight weeks. The best part is that half the coupling that occurs at insanely expensive Jewish overnights camps involves legally-questionable age discrepancies. That shit makes Meatballs III: Summer Jobs look like a Disney Cartoon…maybe Fantasia or something. I’ll leave the juicy details to your filthy imaginations.
09. Ice Cream Truck – I don’t mean you should try to literally be an ice cream truck. That’s not even possible. But you should be the guy who drives the ice cream truck. Here in LA, I’m pretty sure all the trucks are fronts for drug dealing operations, but that doesn’t mean that your affluent suburb should be deprived of an ice cream truck. The markup on that shit is probably really high. Yeah, gas prices are obnoxious, and you’re going to need a lot of gas, but the markup on that delicious pot you’re going to be selling on the side will more than pay for that, won’t it? Be the ice cream man, and you’ll have more hot six year old sluts banging down your door than you can beat off (ha!) with a stick (wait — huh?).
08. Pool boy – Not a lifeguard, homo, a pool boy. You know, the kind of dude who gets a job working for some Anne Bancroft-wannabe and her neglectful husband, cleaning leaves and drowned rodents out of their swimming pool, and fucking the ever-loving shit out of the (pardon the reference) desperate housewife. It’s not like plowing old women is some great reward — certainly most men would much rather spend their summer fucking young women — but some of us have to take what we can get. If you’re a pool boy on some rich bitch’s estate, you might as well try to pump her full of dick and try to at least get a free high society meal or two out of the old hag. If fate has really conspired to make your life great, your clean escape will come at the end of the summer (just before Labor Day) when your Mrs. Robinson dies from some sort of medical anomaly.
07. Pool-Mobile – You know, like Otto drives in the Simpsons Episode “Bart Of Darkness”? It would probably be the coolest job to have (if it even exists), but even that only makes it number seven on this list! You can sit back and smoke a lot of grass and watch the neighborhood cool kids attempt to remove the biggest nerd’s seventeen layers of swimsuits. Bonus second summer job: After the kids are done swimming for the day, you get to fill the pool up with Epsom salts and drive it on over to the old folks’ home.
06. Burger joint worker – Do you have any idea how loose the women are who a) work at and b) eat at fast food restaurants? They’re practically vaginas with little bodies attached to them. They’d fuck a twelve-piece McNugget if it showed even a hint of interest. Yeah, the majority of them don’t speak English and the rest are unsightly, but pussy is pussy man, and when you’re the type of person whose only concern is finding a summer job (read: aged 14-18), who gives a shit what the frame looks like as long as the receptacle isn’t totally trashed, am I right?
05. Promoter – You can put on local punk shows at the VFW Hall, or organize basement shows for your town’s growing noise scene. Doesn’t every town in America have kids that put on DIY basement shows now? I mean, it’s the ’00s. Nothing is sacred anymore. Sixteen-year-olds are starting Throbbing Gristle tribute bands and dressing like nauseatingly asexual Echo Park hipsters. Someone has to step up and take the helm, make all the arrangements with the aging baby boomers at the Elks club, hang fliers on telephone poles and local diners, notify the bands about what equipment is provided and what they need to bring, and stink finger the fish-faced high school girls who are willing to settle for less if they can’t give one of the musicians a handjob after the show! That could be you, scout! Get on it!
04. Scoreboard operator – Does Little League baseball still occupy some of the summer months? I know they have some leagues that run through the summer in different parts of the country…the Little League World Series is held at the end of the summer, I think…there have to be plenty of scoreboard operator job openings all across America. If you’re an out-of-shape, unathletic, barely-straight male, this could be the summer job you always dreamed of! Think about it: you get to sit in a really cool booth twenty feet above the field of play (great seats), munch on hamburgers and square pizzas (free food), and attempt to hit on all the girls who came to support their jock boyfriends. It’ll be like Revenge Of The Nerds, except you won’t get the girl. If you’re lucky you’ll last the entire summer without her boyfriend paralyzing you or shoving a baseball bat so far up your ass it leaves you in the hospital with a prolapsed rectum that looks like a red sock hanging between your string-bean legs.
03. Farmhand – If you live in bumblefuck, you can milk cows and feed pigs their slop and maybe, just maybe, fuck the farmer’s daughter. It’ll be like that episode of Seinfeld where Newman gets kicked out of the mail truck by Kramer on their way to cash-in on a soda bottle deposit scheme, wanders onto a nearby farm, and has to leave hastily because he fucks the farmer’s daughter even after he’s been told specifically not to touch her. Added bonus points if the farmer is wielding a shotgun when he chases you away screaming, “I told you not to touch my daughter!” Extra bonus points if instead of that Seinfeld reference, you first thought of a Futurama reference to the episode where Bender tries to fool around with the Crushinator.
02. Alcoholic – You could be drunk. You could be always drunk. You could be the all-drinking, all-fucking scum of the Earth asshole you always wanted to be as a child and never had the guts to be as a teenager. Everybody knows that the really cool kids don’t even have summer jobs, and they definitely don’t go to prim and proper summer camps, they just hang around town being scummy and getting blowjobs from the girls who showed some interest in you just before you left for that ritzy camp of yours. Maybe I’m projecting a little…but whatever. The point is, if you’re the guy who has an alcoholic relative from whom you could steal a lot of booze, you could wind up being the most popular kid in town. You could be like Matthew…what’s his name…in Dazed and Confused, sleeping with all the high school girls. You could be king.
01. Bum – If you’re too lazy to even get drunk, you could simply be a bum. I’ve done this once or twice. You literally sit around the house (hey, it’s air-conditioned) watching bad television, maybe a baseball game or two, and generally just take up space. You don’t have the strength to get to the fridge to drink a beer because your muscles have atrophied and you’re a bad fall away from spending the rest of your summer in a hospital bed — or worse, physical rehabilitation. Sure, being a bum has a few obvious benefits: you don’t have to shower, air conditioning, wireless Internet access, and free food, but it also has some not-so-obvious benefits: you don’t have to shower, if there’s a girl who still wants to blow you she’ll still do it even if you stick and haven’t moved from the couch in two weeks, you can shit and piss yourself and pretend you’re an alcoholic.
The truth is, no other time of year provides us (as long as we’re jobless) with more opportunities to make the most of ourselves. The weather will never be nicer, the days will never seem longer, and we’ll never have less obligations. Whatever it is you want to do this summer, do it. And always be fucking. Doesn’t matter who, just always. be. fucking.
