MSN and Men’s Health have teamed up to create a list of “18 Things A Grown Man Should Never Have”. And I think I could do better. Much better. I am, after all, the purveyor of one of the Internet’s leading Top Ten-centric websites. Why I haven’t received offers from various mainstream magazines to pen original Top (blank) lists is beyond me. I’m, like, the voice of a generation. But like any wunderkind, my work won’t be appreciated until long after I’ve expired. Also, I could never work for a mainstream magazine, because I’ve got integrity.
No I don’t. Please, if you know somebody at Maxim or Details…give them my number?
So, what should grown men never have? According to the author, number one on the list is a black eye. Yeah, right. I think Eugene Robinson would have a lot to say about that. Like, for example, how the author of this article is a total pussy who shouldn’t even consider himself a member of the “male” population if he hasn’t gotten knocked out at least once in his life. The list also includes “An empty refrigerator” (why, because it’s mature to act like a metrosexual and keep your fridge stocked with chicken cutlets and salad? No, grown-up, unmarried men are supposed to just have fridges filled with condiments), “a key chain with a bottle opener” (yeah, because grown men drink Zima, and Zima has a twist-off top!), but “any beer that costs less than $20 a case” (how are we supposed to open our bottle-conditioned craft brews, asshole?) and “drinking glasses with logos” (plain pint glasses, are you gay?), “an unstamped passport” (I guess it’s immature to not be rich and travel the world), and “PlayStation thumb”. As someone who has been playing way too much Mario Kart for Wii this week, I take great offense to that last one. Of course, I’m not really a grown man yet, anyway. I’m still waiting for my first pube!
Here is my quick list of 18 things a grown man should never have, in no real order:
01. A girlfriend – What are you, a fag? If you’re going to win the game of life, you have to sleep with more than your bros, and keeping a girlfriend isn’t going to help you any. Here’s a hint: refer to all women by saying, “What’s her puss” when you can’t remember one’s name.
02. Phone conversations with his mother – It’s time to cut the cord, wuss.
03. Sexual thoughts about his sister – What is this, West Virginia?
04. Sex with another man – Obvious.
05. An article of pink clothing – Your co-workers and all your friends are talking about you behind your back for a reason.
06. An antiques collection – Next thing you know, you’ll have another growing collection in your house…dead prepubescent boys in your fridge. Hey — look on the bright side — your fridge won’t be empty.
07. A buddy – Oh, do you two hold hands and eat ice cream from the same cone, too? Men don’t have friends. They just have guys they talk to when they’re bragging about how much pussy they’re getting.
08. A subscription to Playboy – Go out and get laid, guy. It’s really not that hard, despite what your mom keeps telling you when you call her crying about how horrible the bar scene is.
09. A Death Cab For Cutie CD – Save those for the overweight girls who you see at the mall when you’re going out for a quick burrito fix. Come to think of it, fat girls are pretty much the only people who should own a Death Cab For Cutie CD.
10. A nail clipper – Fucking bite those things off. That’s what us men do. Yeah, your toenails too.
11. Tickets to a musical – Might as well call back ma and tell her she can forget her dream of having grandkids.
12. Dance moves – Have you ever watched a man dance? Have you ever really watched one dance? It’s about the most sickening, vile thing I’ve ever witnessed. Even if the guy has rhythm, he looks like a complete tool. Do you want to look like a tool, or worse, the guy who no discernible dance moves? I don’t think you do. Here’s a little motto you should commit to memory: He he dances, masturbates.
13. More than one set of bed sheets – What are you running a Hampton Inn? How about you just wash the ones you have whenever the sex-related stains become too numerous to count. Oh wait, you’re not going to have any because you’ve perpetrated every foul act on this list.
14. Manners – What is this, Church? You’re a man. You should be burping, farting, and cursing to your heart’s content. Who gives a shit what people around you can hear. When I go out in public with friends I’m not above talking about blowjobs in the company of women and children. Fuck…I like to think that overhearing my horribly inappropriate life stories is probably the closest most people come to actually leading fun, rewarding lives.
15. Cookie Cutters – Um…Martha Stewart, why don’t you fold up your apron and kill yourself? You’re not really living for anything if you’re slaving over fresh dough with a set of dinosaur shaped cookie cutters.
16. Glasses – Hey, astigmatism-having asshole, this is the way God intended for you to experience the world — all blurry and shit. Who are you to fuck with his great design? Wearing glasses is like handing out a free pass to everyone who you see so they can kick your scrawny, geeky ass with absolutely no consequences.
17. A raincoat – What, your life is one giant J. Crew ad? How about you get your head out of the clouds, twinkle toes, and buy one of those cheap-as-shit umbrellas from the illegal immigrants on the street. Or you can choose to walk beneath awnings. It’s entirely up to you. Just don’t wear a raincoat. You look like a schmuck.
18. A blog – Oh. Shit.
A Silver Mount Zion – Babylon Was Built On Fire / Starsnostars – (buy this album)
The Chameleons – Tears – (buy this album)
Four Tet – Clouding – (buy this album)
Jazzfinger – Justifiable Homicide
Acetone – What I See – (buy this album)
