Hello readers, Evan here. My first full day back in suburban New Jersey was an eventful one. Of course, I didn’t actually lay my head down to sleep until well after 4:00am East Coast time, and I was awoken by a phone call at 9:45am, so I’ve been (understandably) tired almost all day. Things started out normal enough. My mother picked me up and drove me to the Department of Motor Vehicles so that I could renew my driver’s license (though I am a California resident I am not a domiciliary, so I’ve retained my NJ driver’s license). That went relatively quickly. We both thought the DMV was the perfect setting for a comedy sketch due to the hilarious attitudes of those in charge of inspecting each person’s six points of identification. One woman was constantly berating everybody who sat down across the table from her, and at one point we were pretty sure gunshots would be fired or a strangulation might occur, but the police officer on duty actually managed to quell the violent uprising. That might sound way more intense than the actual event, but I tell you it felt as if I was sitting in a folding chair in the middle of the O.K. Corral waiting for bullets to start whizzing past my ears.
From the DMV, we drove a few miles down the road to the Millburn Diner. You might recognize Millburn from one of two places: my yellow and red Millburn recreation soccer t-shirts, or that scene in Wet Hot American Summer where the nerd with the 20-sided dice says, “Excuse me, ladies. You may remember me as the guy who came to dinner a few weeks ago with underwear on my head. My name is Keith Stat from Millburn, New Jersey. State bird, the mosquito. And as you may have heard I am recently a crowned class B dungeon-master. So if any of you would like to play D&D today, please speak now or forever hold your peace.” At the diner, my mother and I were joined by my old boss, who I (obviously) hadn’t seen in over a year. I ate a three egg omelet with three cheeses, a side of three buttermilk pancakes, and breakfast potatoes. I also tried a new food today, tuna fish. It was salty and tasted “fishy”. Upon returning home I commandeered my mother’s car and returned to my father’s house to feed and walk the dog. My father (the workaholic) actually decided to take a few hours off this afternoon to spend time with me. Together we fought about his losing my backup glasses, then drove to Denville or Dover or somewhere to get me a new pair of glasses. His fault. I was still sufficiently stuffed from the eggs and pancakes, but upon leaving the opthomologist’s office we decided to drive to South Orange for all-you-can-eat sushi at Haru. They’ve raised their prices for the all-you-can-eat menu $4 per person since I left home. I skipped that and ordered steak terryaki, but I had a piece of salmon, an order of age tofu, and half of a California roll. It was damn good. My father and his friend Bernie each packed away between thirty and forty pieces of sushi. Fucking gross.
After dinner we returned home, and I got a call from Elissa saying she wanted me to meet her friend Liz at a bar in town. I’ve never liked going to the local bars, but she sounded really depressed so I figured I would do her a favor and go hang out with them for a few minutes. When I arrived at the bar, it felt as if neither Elissa nor her friend (who supposedly took off work just to meet me) were interested in my presence. Plus, one of the old instructors from the golf range was there, drunk off his ass, and decided to play “remember the time…” with me. That’s my least favorite game ever. My sister was seated next to two girls who graduated in my high school class, but the three of us did not so much as acknowledge one another. It’s a shame too, because of the girls I thought had a good chance of murdering her vagina with my penis (via repeated stabbings) back in my school days, but nothing ever came to fruition. Maybe she too remembered our brief romantic dalliance and was too embarrassed to say anything. I drank a Makers on the rocks and watched the Yankees lose to the Tigers. Then I drove home and watched LOST and drank a beer.
Ken, Katie and Jack showed up after the television program ended. We played loud music for a few minutes, and then I looked at my watch and realized it was 1:30am and we probably shouldn’t be playing so loudly. We walked upstairs, two beers in each hand, woke my sleeping sister from her slumber, and chatted loudly about various topics while listening to crazy/hilarious Jew music (written by the MILF Ken and Alex are going to Amsterdam with) and watching snippets of The Shining until I could no longer keep my eyes open. Then I walked upstairs and sat down at the computer to write this. Now I’m going to brush my teeth, unfurl my dick and go to bed.
God am I drunk right now.
By the way, this is the greatest CD tray and disc art I have ever seen. If I were to record an album, the CD would look something like this:
