Today I received this response to the letter I sent Carl’s Jr. last evening:
“We have received your message. Thank you for contacting us.
[THREAD ID: 1-GMIXET]”
I can only imagine that “[THREAD ID: 1-GMIXET]” means that the president of the company’s head exploded from fear, and I’m going to be the sole heir to his fortune. Yup, my guess is that’s exactly what it means…
Today you get to see pictures from the zoo. Oh man, you’re going to love them. I’ll even include some witty commentary.
The first exhibit we came to was an animal nursery. All of the rooms were empty, and signs throughout the complex proudly declared that all the newborn animals at the zoo were with their mothers because it is the most natural way for them to be raised. Except, I guess, for this tiny giraffe that was standing alone in the corner of a small, fenced-in area. I guess that at one month it was, what, too young to be with it’s mother? Whatever. Take a look at a one-month old giraffe, will ya?
Next there were pelicans. I think there were three of them? I bet any one of those three would make a better drummer than the drummer in Pelican.
Oh my god, there was a hippo. The hippo was one of the three animals I was most excited to see, and it did not disappoint. Especially considering the fact that between the pelican and the hippo we passed about twenty cages where animals were either sleeping or hiding. Also, the tapir enclosure sure was lively, what with the blood transfusion or whatever-the-fuck the zoologists were doing in there. I swear, it looked like they were killing that thing. It was rather depressing. But one look at that beautiful hippo and I forgot all about the soon-to-be-dead tapir.
The black bear was cool too. It was hiding when we saw it (of course, so was every animal in the zoo), but then it came out and walked around and pissed down the side of a rock and went back inside to be with the cubs. At least, that’s how I imagine it. I don’t know for a fact there were cubs in there, but it seemed plausible that there might be. Look, a black bear!
As if the sickly tapir wasn’t enough, the fucking rhinoceros didn’t have a horn. There were signs all over its “area” (that’s a nice word for a cage) describing how the horn got infected so they had to cut it off. It had a huge yellow sticker at the tip of its nose. I guess it was a bandage. It was utterly depressing. Also, it’s vagina was bloody. Poor rhinoceros.
The lions were sleeping, they were pretty dull. But the tigers were very active, especially the young ones. They were playing with a ball and jumping all over each other like little playful kittens. The kinds of playful kittens that would maul you and eat your guts if you walked up to them in the wild and asked if they wanted to play with you. Here they are playing, and here’s a baby with its mom.
Here we have the very elusive North American Topless Male. At home in his natural habitat, he barely notices onlookers. He just keeps on digging that hole. Isn’t he cute!?
Not as cute as two monkeys eating a flower with their feet! They weren’t ingesting it through their feet, they were just holding on it with their feet.
Ostrich eat broccoli, apparently.
Tortoises move slowly. Giraffes are bountiful in Southern California.
Oh look, there’s the chimp that shit in his hand and ate it. And all his stupid chimpanzee friends. By the way, look at that first chimp’s prolapsed asshole, please. Look at the stream of liquid emanating from it’s puckering anus. If that’s not the cutest thing you’ll see on any trip to the zoo, then my name is…Earl. HAHAHAHA! Nicci just came up with that one. I like it.
The elephant was the second most exciting animal to see. Sure it was about half a football field away from us in its “nest” or whatever you want to call it, but I got to watch it eat, and that was cool enough for me. This brought back my smile after the whole monkeys-eating-shit episode.
This is an Ibex. I learned what it was from watching Planet Earth. By the way, if that’s not an ibex than I don’t know what it is, and the Ibex is another one of these animals that I’ve also misnamed.
This is a zebra. It’s got stripes. We were hoping they’d feed one to the lions, because they had four (and really, how many zebras does a zoo need? Answer: I don’t fucking know, two?), and also because I really want to see a lion eat a zebra. In one bite. After killing it with its penis.
If this mother-gorilla-nursing-its-child doesn’t make you say “aww,” then you’re some kind of cold heartless bastard. Or you’re dead. In which case, sucks for you!
Kangaroo eat green leafy vegetables. That must by why they’re all pussies! Kimodo Dragons (it’s Kimodo, not Kimono, right? Kimono is a dress that chinamen-women wear) will kill you. Look at how intensely these guys were studying me. Okay, maybe that one didn’t notice me, but this one sure did.
Spiders. Lots of spiders. With crazy webs. And really cool looking spiders. And black widows!
Alligators. My favorite animals. Even though they’re reptiles, not animals. Okay, so apparently they are animals, or so says the amateur zoologist to my left, who is now laughing at me because I said an alligator wasn’t an animal. Whatever, I didn’t go to college to study alligators. I was too busy playing Nintendo and drinking. Seeing alligators is like seeing God. You kinda wanna jump in there and be all, “Yo, man, what’s up?” and then sit there for a few hours in silence because alligators can’t talk. Neither can God, at least I think
Sorry, I wasn’t sure how to finish that last sentence so I just gave up and started a new paragraph. It’ll be a one-word paragraph, starting right now. Meerkat.
The zoo!
It’s not raining or anything, but here are four songs that all feature the sound thunder!
