Hey, SXSW starts today. Maybe that’s why it feels like the entire blog-o-sphere is dead. In any event, this is the perfect time to revisit a top-ten list from last year that I dedicated to the massively-corporate-sponsored “indie” music festival. Without further ado, the first “repost” in the history of this website. Hey, it had to happen eventually…
There’s no shame in coming to terms with one’s nerd-ish tendencies. For example, I like to catch up on what’s happening in the music world, so I read a lot of music related websites and blogs. If that makes me a nerd, I accept it. If drinking only the finest in craft microbrews from select breweries across the country makes me a beer nerd, I’m fine with that, too. It’s not causing anyone else undue stress. I’m not imposing my will upon people (though at times it might seem like it). Generally speaking, I’m a fairly low-key nerd.
Some people, on the other hand, are a bit too nerdy for my liking. The kinds of people I’m talking about are the kinds of people that still wear concert t-shirts, or play World of Warcraft, or go to idiotic extremes to prove their love for things—like the mongoloids who aren’t in bands and don’t work for record labels, but still attend South by Southwest .
I shouldn’t slight SXSW, because when I was in Austin gathering data for my book I talked to one of the festival’s organizers, Craig Stewart, on the phone and via e-mail, and he’s a good person. Nevertheless, I must take umbrage at the people who descend upon the great city of Austin simply for the music factor; the people who go to “hear the music” and “discover something new.” Hearing new music is what the what the Internet is for, not some five-mile radius in Texas.
TOP TEN REASONS WHY NOT TO ATTEND SXSW
10) You’re not in a band – So, to be perfectly honest with you, nobody cares that you’re here. At all. Not your hipster friends, not your website audience, nobody. You’re just another dork at a louder, outdoor comic book convention.
9) Money – At the very least, it costs $425 for a music badge (or you can test your luck and walk-up with cash to venues, but that’s just retarded) [it’s actually been raised to $500 this year – ed]. For the price of an entire month’s rent in certain parts of the country, you get into (theoretically) sixty different venues over five nights. Of course, that’s subject to venue capacity and conflicting showtimes. I couldn’t even begin to count the number of things I’d rather do with an extra $425 [$500] than attend a music festival. I could buy more recording equipment, pay off the car-repair bills, buy a really nice prostitute, get drunk every weekend for a month…Or, you know, I could just buy all the albums of bands I wanted to see, and then buy tickets to see them when they’re playing locally. Also, there are lodging and travel costs, which for five nights might be equal to that amount, if not more. And then there’s the price gouging for food and drinks at local venues and restaurants…
8) It’s still in Texas – I’ve loved Texas whenever I’ve visited. And Austin may be the “live music capital of the world,” but I could think of any number of cities I’d rather see live music than in Austin. The enticement for holding it in Austin is that it all takes place in a centralized area, but in a sense that’s also a drawback. You miss leisurely meals, movies at the Alamo Drafthouse, the bookstore on S. Lamar, the Museum of Weird…you don’t have time to take in culture that isn’t a band who also had to travel to Austin. It’s devoid of local flavor! I mean—the Black Angels are playing [again this year, how fitting! – ed.], but they don’t count because they stole their “flavor” from Spacemen 3. Zing!. And, I mean, I’ve never met a Texan I haven’t liked, but… you know… :spit:
7) Sundance – If you go to SXSW, you’re basically one of those annoying Hollywood-types that goes to Sundance. You all descend upon some poor city that has—through the years—had to gentrify in order to meet your Starbucks-drinkin’, Baja Fresh-eatin’ specifications, and you’ve effectively run many of the good, wholesome mom & pop store owners out of business. Thanks a lot, assholes. Now I hate you even more.
6) No Sex – The girls who go to SXSW are not looking to sleep with you. They don’t care about the size of your record collection or your vintage Brainiac t-shirts. They’re looking to sleep with the cutie-pie drummer from (insert name of band I’ve never heard of, but Pitchfork gave an 8.4).
5) It’s not FOR you – It’s for the press. So they can fashion your tastes for the next few years with their off-the-mark reviews about how transcendent a particular set was, and ensure some unworthy band gets unjustly anointed “Saviors of Rock” by the NME.
4) I don’t know – I could only come up with nine things.
3) Your peers are idiots – Sure, a lot of the people you meet will be generally nice, aw-shucks music geeks, but that’s because they’re antisocial nerds. They missed a step on the path to normal socialization and fell flat on their faces. Now they wear over-sized, plastic-framed glasses and can’t stop talking about Explosions In the Sky. Are these really the kinds of people you want to hang around for four days? Wouldn’t you rather use your vacation to go somewhere that has cultural offerings more enriching than wall-to-wall “indie” rock, twenty-four hours a day? Why not drive down to San Antonio, see the Alamo and the Riverwalk, then eat. Isn’t it more fun to surround yourself with people who can talk about something other than last night’s Merge showcase?
2) Spring Break! – Do you really want to feel like you’re at Spring Break in a city that is already hyperconscious about it’s artsy tendencies? Austin in the summer, when school is no longer in session was a perfect time to enjoy Sixth Street and the city as a whole without being swept away by hordes of people clamoring on their cell phones about how revelatory the set they just saw was, or pleading to friends back home how they need them to look up the address of a particular bar or club. Sure, it was excruciatingly hot at the time, but the tranquility far outweighs the Daytona-Beach-on-vegan-food atmosphere a city can tend to take-on when its inundated with hipster outsiders.
1) Bad bands – If I went, here’s who I’d want to see (that I haven’t already seen): Blue Cheer, The Cowsills, Dreamend, Friends of Dean Martinez, Harvey Milk, Jarboe, My Dad Is Dead, Nadja, Russian Circles. Just like last year, that’s nine bands out of a thousand. Definitely not enough to convince me that this shit is worth attending. Fucking Ryan Cabrera and Hanson are playing this year. Doesn’t that say enough? C’mon guys…Moby is playing. Moby.
Fine, so you’re going and you want to know who else you should see. Well, your first order of business is definitely Harvey Milk. I would just about die to see Harvey Milk (which I guess means I’d rather die than go to South By Southwest). Then you should see the other bands listed above. Once you’ve seen those, all that’s left are Ancestors, Greg Ashley, Autolux, Call Me Lighting, Die! Die! Die!, Earthless, Gary Higgins, Psychic Ills, Sightings, Sunburned Hand of the Man, and White Rainbow. I can vouch for all those bands, and they will not disappoint you. Bring earplugs for most of them. The point is, you might as well just wait for them to tour in your area. South By Southwest is a piece of shit.
