I was just looking over my 106/1001 list — which now just a 97/1001 list and counting — and I actually felt a tinge of pride in myself for actively trying to better my life. Lately it has felt as if everybody I speak to, be they a friend, coworker or acquaintance I’ve just made, has expressed dissatisfaction with their life. Most of the complaints seem to stem from work-related stress, I think, or unrealized fears of aging and having to take things more seriously. Nevertheless, I’ve found myself playing the role of advisor, which is something I’m absolutely ill-equipped to do. I mean, look at me, look at the things I write about and tell me I’m worldly enough to espouse advice. I’m exceptionally unqualified for such a task.
Well too bad. I’ve got a lot of problems with you people, and now I’m going to saddle up my high horse and give you all some more advice. Much like the fatherly advice I’ve tried in earnest to instill, or the first date advice, or any of the other times I’ve had to take you under my wing and show you the way, this is for your benefit. You’re not going to get your life on track if you don’t listen to me. So listen closely, because today’s top ten is all about helping you achieve all that you want from life.
Top Ten Ways To Better Your Life
10) Eat What You Want Now And Worry About It Later – This is purely an issue of common sense. When we’re adolescents, we tend to consume anything we want. For a six year old, eating sugary snacks and drinking carbonated beverages full of dangerous chemicals is akin to, like, ejaculating all over some hot bitch’s face. Then you turn 18, register to vote, and suddenly it’s like the amount of calories from a fat in a bagel mean something really important. Guess what son, it doesn’t fucking matter! Last night I ate an entire Domino’s pizza (save one slice) and three pieces of cheesy bread, and you don’t see me flying off the handle and getting diabetes or looking like a fat ass. That’s because there’s this little concept called “moderation” that people like to conveniently forget about when they buy a king-sized bag of Doritos and eat the whole fucking thing, then lick the orange chemical stains off their fat, stubby fingers. Just eat whatever the fuck you want and you’ll to feel like a goddamn king, trust me. Any time you impose restrictions on an aspect of your life (food, sex, crime, whatever…) it’s bound to make you frustrated whenever you come face to face with people who don’t care as much as you do and are happier than you. Worry about your heart blockages when the doctor tells you you’ve got blockages. Until then, enjoy gross foods and be happy.
09) Take Out Anger On Others – This is what I do everyday when I blog, and it is exactly what you should be doing, too. You should start a blog like mine. I feel cleansed whenever I hit the little “Publish” button and my theses on how much Vampire Weekend sucks are dispersed across the Internet. If I’m angry because I was demeaned by a superior at work, I don’t fly off the handle, but I also don’t rationally discuss with the person why what they’ve said hurt my feelings, because that would be gay and I’m not a pussy. Instead, I come home and read the news and decide to rant about the latest stupid pop culture trend, or make a top ten list filled with vulgarities and hate speech. Think of your anger in terms of a game of Monopoly. If your opponent lands on Boardwalk, that’s one fucking space! Buy Baltic and the other purple one, buy them hotels and bleed the fucker dry every time he or she passes Go! Now translate that to real life and blogging. If your Christmas bonus isn’t fat enough, go home and blog about how much Interpol sucks and you’ll end their career. When was the last time you ever read an article about those hacks, anyway? 2002? Exactly. I got mad about a work-related incident six years ago and I wound up defeating Interpol. What’d you ever do?
08) Take Multivitamins Or Immune System Boosters – Literally, this is a good way to get better. Again, it’s a common sense issue. If you feel like you’re getting the sniffles, don’t venture out into a cold, rainy night wearing a t-shirt and shorts. That’s dumb. instead, take some vitamins, drink plenty of fluids and watch some wholesome movies, like Cum-Slinging Cocks On Bearded Ladies XVIII. If you get sick, you’re not bettering your life, and you’re going to get depressed. That’s the exact opposite of what I want from you. Are you even paying attention! For fuck’s sake!
07) Steal Money – This is a good way to see how the other half lives. My suggestion is to stand around a bank and wait for someone with a large burlap sack to walk out of the bank, then slowly walk over to them, nonchalantly shoot them in the head six times and then take the sack. Spend the next few months living off your tax-free income and enjoying life. Things are getting better now, right? You’re happy and the sun is shining (make sure if you do this it’s during the summer, winter can cause seasonal affectation disorder). Life is good now. Life is very good now. Not so much for the person into whose head you emptied an entire chamber of bullets — their life is over — but your life has been pretty sweet since you got all that money, right? My point exactly.
06) Kill A Small Animal, Or A Dozen Insects – I hear a lot of people asking questions like, “What am I doing with my life?” or “Why am I doing this with my life?” My advice to those people never wavers. I tell them to go outside and kill a small animal or a dozen insects (the mathematically defined equivalent of a small animal). Why? Because if you’re going to have existential crises all the time, you need to man-up and realize that you’re human and you’re alive. Nothing instills more pride in ones species than using your God-given brute force to murder — in cold blood — a member of another, more-defenseless species. You know how those fucking retarded southerners are always going on about their silly “white power”? Well, think of killing a cat as exhibiting “human power”. Take pride in your species, people! We’re at the top of the food chain (except for when a member of the idiot-class gets mauled by a tiger, but that’s just case of Darwinism), we’re the chosen species. We’re here, we’re to be feared, get used to it! Now go forth and slaughter gerbils, people! If it’s good enough for Richard Gere (to suffocate them in his ass), it’s good enough for you!
05) Take A Class At The Learning Annex – I don’t even know what the fuck a learning annex is. I just hear old people (you know, like in their early or mid-thirties) mention how they’re taking a pottery class at the learning annex, or an art history class at the learning annex. The goal, I guess, is to have some kind of trade to fall back on once their delusions of grandeur are replaced with the harsh reality that it’s time to get a real job that can pay your rent while also affording you some pocket cash for little things, like food and clothes and health insurance. Like I said, I don’t know what exactly a learning annex is, or where you can find one (Google search?), but I’m pretty sure they’re all over the place, in every major (and minor) city across the country.
04) Get In A Fight And Lose – I know, it sounds like one of the homework assignments in Fight Club, but I’m serious. Nothing will teach you humility like getting your ass kicked. Keep in mind the goal of this list is to help you better your life. A lot of people say that before you can learn to love somebody else, you need to learn to love yourself. Similarly, before you can learn to love yourself, you need to develop a somewhat humbled view of your own importance. That’s why it’s of the utmost importance to have your face kicked-in by somebody, preferably in public, in front of your friends. They’ll never look at you the same way again once they have to clean you up off the pavement and pop your dangling eyeball back its in socket. They probably won’t respect you much anymore, and they especially won’t respect you if you don’t at least get one good punch in before your assailant beats you senseless. Congratulations, this is what we call modesty: the state of being moderate in the estimation of your abilities. Now that we’ve spared you from excessive vanity (which can add strain to interpersonal relationships and lead to depression), you’re in perfect position to start bettering your life. Which, I guess, makes this the first thing you have to do before you do anything else on this list. Unless you already hate yourself, in which case, you can skip this. Quite frankly, I’m not even sure why I made this number four on my list.
03) Stop Watching Television – Basically, I’m talking about tabloid shows or reality shows. These are the two most common causes of self-loathing, because you’re constantly hearing about people who have more money than you and look better than you, or people who look worse than you but actually do something about it. Oh man, that’s a rough one. Imagine being one of those people trying to figure out what your purpose in life is, and you’re eating a corn dog and watching National Fitness Challenge or Biggest Loser or something, and contestants are totally changing their lives for the better, but you’re too dense to realize that you can do the exact same thing if you showed a little effort. Fucking crazy, right? But there are so many people who can’t make the connection, so they just keep being fat and lazy and bored with their station in life and feeling like shit. If you’re going to watch anything on TV, watch baseball (the Mets, of course) and Top Chef and LOST (last night’s episode, by the way, worst written episode ever…but more on that tomorrow!). That’s really all the box is good for, anyway.
02) Get Black-Out Drunk Twice A Month – You know how health nuts are always drinking shots of cayenne pepper, lemonade and sugar in the hopes of getting brutal diarrhea that will cleanse their insides? Well, buying a bottle of Blanton’s or Knob Creek and drinking the whole fucking thing is just like that, but it’s for cool people. All the coolest kids drink really nice bourbon and then do really stupid things that we regret the next day, after someone has to wake us up and tell us it’s time to leave. Read back through the archives of this site and I’m sure you’ll come across a number of instances in which I got really drunk and came away from the experience feeling better about myself for some reason or another. I’m not entirely sure why it works — I’m not a chemist — but I think it has something to do with the way the bourbon interacts with our bodies. It makes us do silly things and say crazy things; it makes us feel like we’re at Disneyland having the time of our lives when really we’re in the back of someone’s smelly Toyota huffing butane or something. Getting shit-faced at least twice a month is the perfect way to start feeling better about yourself.
01) Start Fucking More Often – Sometimes all it takes to start feeling better about yourself is to force your penis inside a girl’s fish hole. It’s a real confidence boost when some girl forgets about all your glaring faults and, for five minutes (maybe less), allows you to grace her vaginal presence with your putrid pecker. That is, of course, if you’re a man of lofty goals and desire to sleep with women who you actually respect and find attractive. It’s much easier to go out trolling for mid or low-level gash, that way your odds of prodding her wormhole with your whisky-dick are exponentially increased. Even if all you get is a finger or two inside her, when you lie to your friends about how great the sex was the next day you’re going to feel like King Arthur presiding over his round table. You’ll be a fucking liar, but at least you’ll be smiling as you recount the stories of your multiple sexual escapades. I guess what I’m really saying is, if you want to start feeling better about yourself, you’ve got to put yourself out there, meet new people, smile and nod, then take them home and fuck the shit out of them. Make them shit cum the next morning. Do whatever it takes to get your rocks off, because you’ll never, ever feel better than you do in the first five post-coital minutes, with your seed freshly planted inside some buxom babe (or a gross gay dude, if that’s your thing). Then the regret sinks in, and you’re back to square one, trying to figure out how to feel better about yourself.
Spiritualized – Ladies and Gentlemen We Are Floating In Space (Elvis Version) [requested by Eric]
Jarboe & Justin Broadrick – Romp
Abilene – Fitch
Boris –メッセージ
