Hey, dudes and vagina-vehicles (that’s my new endearing term for ladies — they are, after all, things used for transporting vaginae (is that the plural of vagina?)). I actually had time to pen an entire TOP TEN today. It’s been a few weeks since the last one, right? Well, I’ve tried to make this one as good as possible, but something still isn’t right. Maybe it’s the lack of allusions to genitalia or anal sex. Well, there’s always next week, right? So without further ado, here’s this weeks’ Evan-centric list.
PS – cock-n-balls, hairy vaginas, shafts, vulvae (is that the plural of vulva?) and poop!
TOP 10 MOST SATISFYING THINGS IN MY LIFE
10) The Weather – It’s been beautiful all week. The sun has been shining and temperatures have been hovering around the low-to-mid 70s. It really doesn’t get much more beautiful than that. The weather in Los Angeles has been one of the most satisfying aspects of my life since moving here. Can you believe it’s almost March? I’ve been here almost a year. And what do I have to show for it? A minimum-wage job and a tiny room in an apartment in Echo Park. That’s my life for ya! How frightening…
09) Popsike – It’s my favorite website to research all the weird records that come into the store. It’s also a lot of fun to see what albums I’ve recently bought are actually selling for on the open market. For example, the Psychic TV album I got the other day for $8 is actually selling for over $80. It’s nice to know that if I ever run into any real financial problems there are plenty of albums I could sell to make my next rent check that wouldn’t leave me feeling like I’d lost a piece of my soul.
08) LOST – Oh. My. God. Last night’s episode was fucking incredible. Perhaps for the first time in the history of the show, a question posed in the previous week was answered. We pretty much know now why Farraday couldn’t remember simple things like the playing cards. He’s experimented on himself, or been exposed to too much radiation/electro-magnetic charges that he’s screwed himself up almost to the point of where Desmond and Minkowski were. The scene break that ended with Farraday instructing Desmond to go to Oxford when he travels to the past and find him was one of those chills-inducing moment that only LOST can provide. I already can’t wait for next week. For all it’s frustrating cliff hangers, LOST is still one of the best things in my life.
07) A Positive Balance – I’m not in debt. Isn’t that awesome? Even after I write next month’s rent check today, I’m still going to be a tiny sliver above a zero balance. Not bad considering I missed a week of work this month and my paycheck was super-light during this two-week period. I guess I just have to live within my means a little more until the next check comes. Or, I can sell stuff on eBay, which I’m going to be doing this weekend. Or, one of you readers with a heart of gold could actually donate some money to my efforts. You know, I update this page every day and try to keep it funny, informative and sometimes intelligent. There’s free music every day. I don’t want to sound like an entitled Baby Boomer or anything, I think I should have gotten more than just one $5 donation from my girlfriend when I asked the other day. Well, if you’re not going to give me any money, could you at least donate some to a worthy cause? I suggest the WFMU marathon. I still give them $75 a year even though I’m poor.
06) Patra – It really is the greatest food in town, even if they recently raised their prices for pretty much everything. From the prominently displayed “B” health department grade to the schizophrenic crack heads that walk by screaming obscenities in the middle of my eggs and bacon breakfast meal, it really doesn’t get much better than this Echo Park dining establishment. I don’t even mind paying the $0.35 soda refill charge. The other night I went to Carl’s Jr. for the second time ever, and I left disappointed again. The first time I went there, Ilya and I were frustrated by the discovery that their huevos ranchero burrito was only a breakfast item. Two nights ago, I ordered their “Chili Cheese Fries,” which look absolutely beautiful on the advertisements that came in the mail this week. When I popped the top on those bad boys, it looked like someone had diarrhea’d all over my plate of fries, then vomited a vaguely cheesy vomit on it as a metaphoric “fuck you” cherry-on-top gesture of hatred. You can guarantee the folks at Carl’s Jr. are going to receive a “letter to no one” in the very near future.
05) Elitism – I like the fact that I’m feeling so confident these days. I feel like I’m better than everybody else. Maybe it comes from working with a staff of complete music snobs, but I find myself turning my nose up at just about everything, even my friends and loved ones. It doesn’t matter what they’ve done or how they’ve accomplished it, I couldn’t give less of a shit. So you’ve got a new lover, huh? Who gives a shit — it’s not going to last. So your band just got signed, or your screenplay was optioned? I don’t care, it sucks anyway. You should try acting like this, it really is quite satisfying. The next time someone tries to introduce you to something new, or the next time a friend tells you about the “exciting” things that are going on in their life, just act like it’s the least important thing in the world. Don’t be a douche about it and then go home and tell everyone else about it. You have to really commit yourself to hating it, otherwise people will see right through you. Like, when someone tells me about this band they’ve been digging, I come up with a handful of bands who sound the same but released albums in the late ’70s or early ’80s that did it better. I could give a fuck what some young band is doing now. It’s been done before. SEE? ISN’T THIS SO SATISFYING?
04) Love – I know, it’s totally cheesy, and sure I’m not funny anymore, but at least I’m feeling happy these days as opposed to being completely cold and cynical and emotionally dead. Plus, knowing that there’s someone out there (not a blood relative) who actually cares about your well-being is quite satisfying. There are other things, too, but I should really get back into character for these last three entries and make them good.
03) Showers – I don’t know if any of you readers are aware of my bathing habit, but they are actually quite intense. I think it’s important — if I’m going to have a job that I regularly attend — to start my day off in the most satisfying way possible, so that I feel good about myself as I approach the doldrums of a regular job. That’s why I take super-long showers. I usually wash myself twice over with both soap one of those shower gel things. I don’t know exactly what it is, I stole it from one of the roommates I never met in the house I was living in for the month of October. It smells really fresh, whatever it is. Then I rinse/wash/repeat with my awesome $1.99 shampoo from Trader Joe’s. During lulls in rinsing and washing, I’ll take time to clear my throat and sinuses by hacking up/sneezing out huge wads of phlegm. After a final spot-check and shower gel cleanse, I’m ready to towel off. Also, the water must be at increasingly scalding temperatures for the duration of the shower. That’s the only way to know any pathogens clinging to my body are really dead. I exit the shower feeling refreshed and ready to start my day. Purell frequently for the next twenty-four hours, then do it all over again.
02) Pizza Port – I’m going to be visiting my second (of the three) Pizza Port breweries on Monday. I’ll be sure to tell you all about it afterwards, but I cannot wait. I plan on drinking my five new beers for the month of March all in one night. I can’t wait to find out what visiting beers will be on tap, and how the beers at the second brewery will differ from the Port San Clemente brewery. The plan is, Ken and Katie are going to be in town this weekend, so Nicci and I are going to join them on a drive to San Diego. On our way home, we’ll stop at Port Carlsbad (is that the one closest to San Diego? I’ll have to check) and drink and eat ourselves silly. Oh man, I can’t wait. I can’t wait. Pizza Port. If you don’t know what it is, if you’re not a southern Californian or a beer snob, you have no idea what you’re missing.
01) I’m Still Here – Like I said earlier, I’ve been out here in LA for almost a year now. If you’d asked me at the end of April ’07 if I thought I’d last this long, the answer would have been a hearty laugh. I’ve managed to set up a pretty nice life for myself here, with relatively no stress and no worries. I’ve got a shitty job, sure, but it’s paying the bills (so far) and it’s about a low-key and easy a job as I could ask for. Everything else couldn’t be better. I spent the first six months in a perpetually drunken, pilled haze, with no negative consequences whatsoever. Any time a person can get away with such asinine behavior and wind up in a better position than they were before is pretty satisfying. I know you think I’ve gotten all soft in recent months, but I assure you that I’m still trying to find the best way to do this site without work or my social life distracting me or lessening the quality of my work. Once I find that happy medium, things are going to be even more satisfying for you, my loyal readers.
