It’s February 1st, and that means I’ve officially finished the first 31 days of my 1,001 day challenge. In case you don’t recall, at the end of 2007 I made a list of 106 things I want to achieve in the next 2.75 years. The list includes personal goals, financial goals, travel goals, health goals and more. It’s pretty ambitious, if I do say so myself. Anyway, I’m sure you’re all wondering just how it is I’m doing after 31 days, so here’s a brief update for you.
I’ve already crossed 5.5 things off my list. I sent a gift to someone for no particular reason (a Chuck Mangione autographed poster, to my father), I’ve hosted a party (the Smurf-themed party when my sister visited L.A.), I painted something and had it hung on a wall (a “portrait” of Nicci that is excruciatingly awful), one of my *private* goals, and I saw a theatrical production (Wicked, last evening actually). The half credit is for giving money to a beggar. Now I have only 970 days to get money from a beggar.
I’m well on my way to completing some of the other goals. I’ve tried ten new foods (rum cake, crab meat wantons, lentils, lebne, olives, quail, radish, okra, navy bean soup and a cranberry muffin) out of the 100 I want to try. I succeeded in trying eight new beers last month, even though I’m only supposed to try five new ones each month (FYI, they were: Lagunitas Censored, Pyramid Amber Weizen, Butte Creek Mateveza, AleSmith Nautical Nut Brown Ale, and Stone Smoked Porter, Belmont Strawberry Blonde, Lost Coast 8-Ball Stout, Karl Strauss Red Trolley Ale). I just went to BevMo! today and bought several more to drink this weekend. I sold an item on Craigslist/eBay, and I’ve tried to say something uplifting to a friend each day.
What’s the point? You ask, well…here are the top five New Year’s / 1,001 Day Challenge resolutions I have already broken, followed by the top five that you have already broken:
Our Top Ten Broken Resolutions
MINE:
5) 100 Sit-Ups Every Night Before Bed – Let’s face it, that was a stupid choice on my part. We all know I am about as capable as maintaining a healthy regimen as a blind person is capable of seeing me give them the finger. Expecting me to commit to exercise every night is about as believable as the possibility of there someday being a woman president. The truth is, I often fall asleep at unexpected times, or in unexpected locations, and this prohibits me from maintaining a routine. Have you ever passed out drunkenly on a couch and then crawled up to bed at four in the morning? Do you usually stop to brush your teeth, urinate, or even disrobe? No. Then how can you assholes expect me to do a fucking workout routine!?
04) Drinking The Recommended Daily Amount Of Water – I weigh approximately 150 pounds. That means I should be drinking at least 75 fluid ounces of H20 each day. Unfortunately for me, I spend a lot of my time at work. Even if I bring a liter of Penta or Smart Water with me to work (33.8 fluid ounces), I would still have to walk across the street to the coffeeshop on my break and overpay for a 12 oz. bottle of Fiji Water at least four times a day. I’ll be damned if I’m going to spend an extra ten dollars that isn’t in my budget on water. No one should ever pay for water. If they’d just install a Brita filter at work, I’d still be keeping up with this list item.
03) Maintain $10,000 In Savings Account For Emergencies – When I sit down each night to review the list, I often find myself saying, “Nice try asshole, you don’t even have $10,000 in your savings account to begin with. You’re making $9 an hour in a records tore. There’s no way you’re ever going to reach that much money, let alone keep from touching it.
02) Set Aside $1 Each Day for 1,001 Days – Haven’t done this one at all yet. Mostly because I walk around with only change in my pockets, but I guess it also has something to do with the fact that my entire paychecks go to rent and food money, and there isn’t any leftover that can be shoved in a shoebox for later use. Sorry, I’m just not able to complete this objective.
01) Vacuum Regularly – What am I, some kind of gay homosexual? I don’t know the first thing about maintaining a clean room. Right now it looks like Dresden. There’s sheets and pillowcases and pillows and clothes and underwear and bath towels all over the place. I just can’t do it. When I was younger, my mother always appreciated how when my bedroom reached “critical mass” I would wise up and clean the whole place and make it spotless, and the cleanliness would last for a while. Now I’m old and jaded and I just don’t give a shit anymore. Fuck clean rooms.
YOURS:
05) Lose Weight – A lot of people make resolutions about how they’re going to lose weight to start the new year. It’s less about their actual desire to lose weight, and more like “I ate so much between Thanksgiving and Christmas I feel super fat.” Then people subconsciously forget about their resolution because they’ve got shit to think about like work and raising their kids, and being selfish and dieting is the furthest thing from their minds. No more holidays means no more huge meals, and people are content to go back to eating standard portions. They don’t lose weight. At the Super Bowl party they over-eat. On Valentine’s Day they over-eat. At Easter they over-eat. Before you know it, it’s Christmas again, and you’re forty pounds overweight. Way to stick to that resolution, you fat fuck.
04) No More Drugs – The problem with this one is, it’s never easier to find drugs than on New Years Eve, so even though it’s after midnight, you tell yourself, “No more drugs this year,” but in reality you’ve already broken the resolution before you leave whatever party you’re at. Then you try to convince yourself that you’ll start in the morning. But you get home in the middle of the afternoon, so you’ll start tomorrow, the 2nd. Do you see where this is going?
03) Stop Smoking – No. Not gonna happen. Don’t even try it. If you want to stop smoking, you need to actually commit to it and make a plan ahead of time for how you’re going to do it and deal with the cravings and shit. You can’t just look up at the clock at midnight and say you’re not going to have another cigarette. That’s for assholes. Don’t be an asshole.
02) Go Straight – For all you fags out there who have trouble trying to keep straight, you like to think that in the new year, you will no longer go hang out at those questionable bars, you’ll stop accidentally typing in the URL for the cyber bears website instead of the Cal football website, and you’ll stop looking at random holes in gas station bathroom walls with hints of arousal and wonder. It’s not gonna happen. Gayness is hard-wired and you’re not going to change it. So quit trying to pretend you like women and flashdance yourself through life, you fairy.
01) Get Laid – You didn’t get laid last year, and you’re not going to get laid this year. It’s time to face the fact that no one in their right mind wants to fuck you, and they probably never will. You’ve got a lot of things you need to change about yourself before anyone is going to find you attractive. I’d start by showering and having a shave. Then maybe buy some new clothes. Next, change your entire attitude. No one wants to fuck the guy at the party who looks like a fucking downer all the time. Stop pretending to put on an air of confidence when you’re clearly an awkward motherfucker. Just be yourself and some fat ugly chick will want to take your penis into her cavernous vagina. It sucks, but it’s the best thing you’re going to get until you quit being such a dufus and start accepting yourself for who you are.
