What’s up with this “The ’90s Show” episode? They really shouldn’t have signed a multi-season contract a few years ago if they were just going to run out of ideas before the thing even came into effect. Watching these new episodes is like watching puppies being put to sleep. Sweet, innocent, delicious puppies that could have been adopted by suitable families who would treat them well and shower them with the love and attention they so deserve. People like my old Chinese neighbors in New Jersey, who winked when telling my parents, “Oh, we take care of dear” that one time a dead dear showed up on the border of our property lines. We noticed they were barbecuing later that night, but no one had the heart to walk over and ask what they were eating. What I mean to say by all this is, watching the new episodes of the Simpsons is like killing and eating a dear, if the dear was made up of a cute puppy.
Is anyone still here?
The San Francisco Chronicle has outdone me. They published a list of twenty-nine things to be happy about, which includes things like, “We may have a black president one year from now,” “dolphins love sex,” “absinthe,” “Wikipedia,” and something about how almost all Americans claim to be somewhere between pretty and very happy. I can do better. Here’s a list of thirty things to be happy about.
1) If you’re reading this, you can afford an Internet connection. Way to go, uncle Moneybags! How about you donate some of your hard-earned money to this website so that I can afford to eat this week?
2) Researchers in Denmark have been looking into whether or not alcohol might have a benefit to the human body similar to that of exercise, and the results might surprise you. [story]
3) Noxagt – Soft Sugar
4) You’re not employed as a writer for Pitchfork.
5) Time is on your side, probably. If you’re reading this sentence, odds are you don’t have terminal cancer. If you do, I’m so, so sorry — but why are you wasting your last precious few breaths trying to work through my bad writing?
6) Unless you’re really grossly unattractive, you’ll probably have your penis inside a nice, comfortable vagina soon. Conversely, you might have your vagina wrapped around a nice penis soon. See? I care about my lady readers, too!
7) Season Three of The Venture Bros. is going to begin soon, as their official website says that post-production is already well underway.
8) Ralph Nader might provide some political laughs in the near future. [story]
9) Every form of media that you could possibly desire — which used to cost money and time — is available for free on the Internet. All you have to do is search the right channels and you can find it.
10) Michael Vick’s pit bulls are in a better place, now. [story]
11) The new season of LOST starts on Thursday.
12) Even if you think you’ve consumed every yummy, flavorful beer from America’s best craft breweries, odds are there’s a whole lot of them that you haven’t yet tried yet.
13) You should be happy because I am very happy these days. Isn’t it weird? Have you noticed how I’m not funny anymore?
14) You are the master of your own destiny. If you want something, all you have to do is work towards it, and it’ll be yours.
15) Any idiot can come up with a half-baked idea for a “collectible” and make a killing selling it on eBay. Do you know how much that Pop Tart with the face of the Virgin Mary in it actually sold for? People will do anything to make the news. In 1998 or 1999 sold my friend Mike on eBay for $0.17. If I did that today, I might be rich!
16) International Delete Your MySpace Account Day
17) A Silver Mount Zion – More Action! Less Tears!
18) Mark Prindle seems to be regularly updating his website.
19) February is RPM Challenge month.
20) Extreme Makeover Home Edition. Those people get so geeked about their new rooms and houses and shit. It’s pretty intense.
21) The Monks, Live on German Television in 1966
22) Someone probably has a crush on you. Yeah, in all likelihood it’s that really fat annoying girl that the girl you like hangs out with just to feel better about herself, but at least someone out there is yearning for you to stuff them like a taxidermist.
23) Is your boss getting on your case about your inability to multitask? Why don’t you print out this article and show it to him (or her, but what are the odds your boss is a woman? I mean…really!). Then smile condescendingly, and revel in the fact that you’re smarter than him because you brought new information to his attention. [story]
24) There’s a good chance you’re going to have the opportunity to see either Polvo or My Bloody Valentine in-person this year. Also, Leonard Cohen will be touring.
25) Shannon Wright & Yann Tiersen – Something To Live For
26) You can handle your drugs better than Heath Ledger can, apparently.
27) There are people in this world who also don’t like Scientology, and they’re willing to try and do something about it. [story]
28) You don’t live in Kolmanskop, a ghost town in southern Namibia that’s been deserted since the 1950’s and is now covered in sand. The pictures are beautiful, but it’s also a pretty depressing story…so click wisely. [story]
29) No matter how bad life gets, you can always tell yourself, “At least I’m not French.”
