Since you all needed my help so badly last year, I offered you a list of five possible New Years Eve alternatives to going out, and partying, and having a good time. That’s because you’re all Internet nerds who need to be told what to do all the time. Don’t even try to deny it. If you read this website, you are probably a really big nerd who cannot claim to have many friends. Look, I’m not here to judge you, I just think it’s important for you to come to terms with the fact that this is your station in life. Deal with it.
Now, because I love you, I will give you five more ways to spend New Year’s Eve with less than $10 in your pocket. I’m going to pay extra special attention to this list, and give you 110% of my effort, because I have not a single dollar in my pocket. I’m right there with you. I have $0.37 in my pocket as I write this. And I just gave thirty cents to a homeless man on my way home from work. I told him to “Have a happy new year,” but he won’t.
1) A Bottle Of Canadian Mist – The grossest tasting whisky I have ever consumed is also obscenely cheap. If you happen to live in an area that has a low-end liquor store, please do yourself a favor and pick up a bottle. I think it’s $6.99 for a 750. You’ll get really, really drunk and probably hate yourself the entire time, but at least you won’t be overpaying for marked-up well drinks at your local club or bar.
2) Hang With The Homeless – If you think those guys don’t know how to party, you’re an idiot. While you were cutting your teeth at some tiny liberal arts college, doing keg stands and awkwardly fingering sorority chicks, the homeless dudes in your neighborhood were contracting serious illnesses like Hepatitis and AIDS, sharing dirty needles with each other, and building up a remarkable tolerance to booze. Find one of those guys in an alleyway near your apartment, stick to them like glue for the next eight hours, and I guarantee you that when you reconvene with your friends tomorrow morning, your story will be a smash hit.
3) Go Where The People Ain’t – In major metropolitan areas across the country, millions of people are gathering at very public locations to ring in the new year together. That means the remote locations outside your home city are probably deserted tonight. Instead of going where all the obnoxious amateurish kids go, do the exact opposite. Grab some camping gear and head out to the middle of nowhere with some friends (or alone, if you’re a loner). It’ll be supremely quiet. Sounds serene, right?
4) Do It, But Go It Alone – A few years ago I couldn’t think of anything to do. I took the PATH into Manhattan, and walked from a bar on the Lower East Side all the way up to Times Square, stopping at various watering holes to extinguish my sobriety. I eventually met up with some friends who had seen a concert somewhere in Midtown, but the several hours I spent roaming the city alone were a lot of fun. Sometimes it’s just as satisfying to watch other people, chat with strangers, and generally go it alone. There’s no shortage of really lonely people who are looking to make some sort of connection tonight, if you can go to a bar you’ve never been to before, make a new friend, and feel good about your ability to socialize outside of your normal social circle, you’ll begin the new year feeling like a million bucks.
5) Stay In, Tune In – This one’s easy. All you have to do is turn your phone off, make sure you have plenty of marijuana in your residence, and grab some chips and soda, because you’re going to spend the next forty-eight hours watching The Twilight Zone marathon on the Sci-Fi network. If I wasn’t so afraid of my friends laughing at me and making fun of me behind my back, I would be at the store right now buying a bottle of soda and some Pop Tarts. Don’t get me wrong — going to a party on New Years Eve can be really fun, but for me nothing says “New Years” like zoning out on the couch for a few days without so much as glancing at another human being. All I need is the marathon and some snacks and I’m happy as a clam.
If you’re going to party tonight, be safe. And make sure you bookmark this Wall Street Journal article entitled Anatomy Of A Hangover.
Happy New Year, everybody!
