I got to fill out a survey this morning for Apple Computers on the topic of their technical support experience. The only reason I chose to complete the questionnaire is because it included a text box where I could include comments related to any other aspect of the call. I chose to use my opportunity to knock their automated voice menu system. I’ll let you know if I receive any response from them.
In the meantime, I’ve decided that automated voice menu systems should have a spot on a list of things that really irritate me. If you want to know what the rest of the list includes, I encourage you to continue reading!
TOP TEN THINGS THAT REALLY STICK IN MY CRAW!
10 – Dumb Music Dicks – I’m talking about the closed-minded knaves who won’t give music I like the opportunity to sink in and effect them in a positive way. I don’t really understand why certain people have an aversion to experimentalism, but they do, and it’s completely baseless. These uninformed dolts really get my goat, so-to-speak.
09 – Stupid Tech Terms – I speak of Internet or computer-related buzzwords like “Web 2.0”, “Wiki”, “Social Networking”, and shit like that. What’s with the constant need to define the spirit of the moment or issue it a nice, easy-to-remember label so people can digest it? These are all utterly useless words that will not be a part of our lexicon five years from now anyway.
08 – Phones With Small Buttons – I keep making all these dumb typos when sending messages on my new phone, because they keypad is ridiculously small. Also, I dial wrong numbers because the buttons are close together and my dumb fat fingers press multiple keys at a time. I get why people think smaller is better, but when it becomes an irritating inconvenience maybe it’s best to stick with what’s worked well up until now. Phones with small buttons really chap my hide, so-to-speak.
07 – There’s No Good Pizza in L.A. – All they have out here is goofy gourmet pizza and shitty imitations of New York style pies. I’m sick and tired of there not being a reliable pizza place anywhere remotely close to where I live. Back East, one could stumble blindly down any suburban road or city block and somehow come across a really good pizzeria. In L.A. if you tried that you’ll either end up at a taco truck or shot dead in a drive-by.
06 – The Mets At The Winter Meetings – How the fuck can my favorite baseball team be so mismanaged? Jesus Christ, what the hell is wrong with their front office? Not a single notable trade was proposed, and I barely read a single noteworthy news item about the team all week. What’s worse, they traded away a legitimate prospect with some trade value for another catcher and another fourth outfielder. The way Omar Minaya and the Mets handled this year’s winter meetings really gripes my bottom, so-to-speak.
05 – E-mails From Record Labels – What, it’s not enough that you have to put me on your mailing lists so I receive hundreds of letters each day about new releases by bands nobody cares about (who will be working at Denny’s next year), now you have to e-mail me asking me kindly to remove MP3s from my site because it’s “illegal” and you only want me to post the tracks that you’ve already posted on your label’s website? Yeah, that makes a whole lot of sense. I’m really feeling inspired to go out and by the albums you douches are releasing, now.
04 – Anything Related to Shipping/Postal Service – I’ve spent way too much space already writing about how much FedEx sucks. Somehow they and the USPS always manage to screw up the service I am paying them to provide. I just found out that a record I sold on eBay last month never arrived at it’s location in Boston. Oh, gee, thanks Post Office. Now I’m out the cost of the LP twice because I have to send some stupid Red House Painters fan his money back after I already spent it on a bottle of Jack Daniels. And don’t even get me started on that shitty band The Postal Service. They are so aptly named. Because they suck.
03 – Channel Logos On TV – How come all the cable networks went from this faded watermarks in the corner of the screen to weird vibrantly colored abortions that dart across the screen at random intervals, forcing your attention away from whatever program you’re trying to watch? What’s worse is when they magically expand to cover half the screen, and then birth some weird banner advertisement for a hot new program starring some no-talent-hack. Channel logos on TV really get my panties in a bunch, so-to-speak.
02 – 711 Nacho Cheese – What the fuck 711? You’re such an incredible convenience, with your twenty-four hour access to munchies, but your nacho cheese is atrocious. Why can’t you just use the cheese that they have at the movie theaters, that really good, sort-of spicy cheese? I can assure you it’s not going to cost that much more than what you’re using now, otherwise the movie theaters wouldn’t want to pay for it. Instead, you’re being lazy, trying to keep costs low, and providing me with this shitty gelatinous cheese that gets all hard and congealed and tastes like dog vomit. Get your shit together and make a change, 711. Your nacho cheese really turns my brown eyes blue, so-to-speak.
01 – Automated Voice Menus – You read all about it yesterday. You read about it at the beginning of today’s entry. I’m officially infuriated by automated voice menus. There’s just something about them that makes my blood boil, and after a few minutes of trying to enunciate clear enough for the stupid computerized voice to understand what I’m saying, I start to raise my voice and curse at it. That only makes things worse. Why the hell can’t major corporations just issue direct phone numbers for people to get in touch with operators, agents or technical support assistants? Instead of using a computer to route calls, just put everyone on hold, issue us the “Thank you for calling, all of our agents are currently busy” message, and we’ll fucking deal with it. Sometimes technology advancement doesn’t make life more convenient, it makes it suck a huge fucking dick that breaks your jaw. Automated Voice Menus really stick in my craw, so-to-speak.
I’ll miss you, Karlheinz Stockhausen.
