After a miserable start to my day yesterday, I’m feeling good, to quote Nina Simone. I ran a bunch of errands, had a tasty burrito for dinner, and got a full night of sleep. I’m ready for whatever happens this weekend. Here’s a new top ten list I formulated on the couch this morning. It’s about as spiteful as I’ve sounded in a long time.
THE TOP TEN WORST ‘BOOMERS
10 – Richard Branson – The entrepreneur responsible for the Virgin brand, whose net worth is valued at roughly $7.8 billion dollars. I don’t care that he started his own business and made a shit-ton of money, it’s his being an immature piece of shit that gets on my nerves. Isn’t it just like a ‘boomer to build a vast fortune and then give up on work and devote one’s life to trying to break insignificant world records? Who gives a fuck about going around in a hot air balloon. Try something a little more inventive if you’re looking to make headlines. His greatest testament to being an annoying Baby Boomer came when one of his world record attempts failed. He tried to cross the Atlantic by boat only to have it capsize in British waters. After the press called for him to reimburse the government for the cost of his rescue, what did this asshole do? Nothing.
09 – Elton John – It takes a real kind of asshole to capitalize on the death of another person. But leave it to the dainty fop Elton John to turn a worldwide news story into an opportunity to make some headlines of your own. After Princess Di (who was a useless bitch in her own right, but this isn’t the time or the place) was killed, he releases this “Candle In The Wind, 1997” song in her memory. The proceeds go to charity, but how many people do you think liked the song and then went back to their local record store to buy Goodbye Yellow Brick Road? To date its sold more than 20 million copies, and in 1998, after the death of Princess Di, it just happened to go 7x Platinum in the US. Hmm…Coincidence, or greedy money-hungry Baby Boomer cashing in on death?
08 – Jack Kerouac – “More like Jackass Kerouac. Ten times more fag than either Ginsberg or Burroughs and only one-tenth the writer. His unbearably effusive “masterpiece†On the Road is the literary equivalent of the liquor-induced internal hemorrhage that cut him down at age 47—a sloppy cranial menstrual cycle in severe need of an editorial tampon. The main character’s name is Sal Paradise—how stupid is that? Written while “on the speed,†On the Road may have inspired countless “stream-of-consciousness†imitations, but the “stream†was the rank piss of a hopeless alcoholic, and the “consciousness†was that of a homophobic cocksucker who went on collegiate gay-bashing jaunts with jock friends before bedding dozens of men.” – Jim Goad
07 – John Travolta – A young fag moves to New York City in the ’70s to live a life of complete queerness, weaseling his way into some acting roles here or there. He reaches stardom following roles in two of the gayest films of the decade, Saturday Night Fever and Grease. Then he falls off the face of the universe, somehow winds up joining a club for reformed homosexuals under the guise of a religious movement (Scientology), and his career has a miraculous resurgence. His new-found spirituality (placing faith in a shoddily-written Sci-Fi novel) has since enabled him to conquer his sexual deviance, marry a fairly attractive beard, birth two children, and totally fuck one of them up for life by neglecting to admit that he is inflicted with Autism. This stupid asshole is so obsessed with his own image, he refuses to talk about his son Jett’s disorder because (according to the doctrine of Scientology) Jett would then be labeled a “degraded being” who was somehow responsible for his affliction. Fuck this guy.
06 – George Clooney – From his Oscar speech: “We’re the ones who talked about AIDS when it was just being whispered…and we talked about civil rights when it wasn’t really popular. This academy—this group of people—gave Hattie McDaniel an Oscar in 1939 when blacks were still sitting in the backs of theaters. I’m proud to be a part of this academy, proud to be part of this community, and proud to be out of touch.” What a smug, self-aggrandizing tool. Hey, dumbfuck, Hattie McDaniel played the role of Mammy in Gone With The Wind. Yeah, that film really did a lot to repair race relations in America. You’re out of touch, alright…
05 – Bill Gates – Again, this has nothing to do with his being super-rich. His estimated worth is $56 billion, and I have no problem with that. What I have a problem with is his ability to never take an ounce of blame for anything. His company’s indiscretions and shady business practices have found him in court on several occasions, and for some reason the ensuing Microsoft products managed to be even worse, or more flagrantly anti-competitive. He is the epitome of a greedy, manipulative bastard. All it takes to realize this is an attempt to uninstall Windows from your computer. When you see how impossible it is for a novice computer user to install a new, different operating system on their PC, you begin to understand just what a horrible person this guy is.
04 – Michael Lang, John Roberts, Joel Rosenman, and Artie Kornfield – Together these assholes founded a little event known as Woodstock. This metaphoric pat-on-the-back for a generation of young people who didn’t want to ever grow up or do anything with their lives went on for three days and totally sucked, except for the few parts when it didn’t suck. It’s nice that they wanted to rid themselves of staunch conservatism of Eisenhower’s ’50s, but they went about it all wrong and totally fucked things up in the process (Altamont?). These clowns perpetuated hippie idealism, which was rooted in complete and utter selfishness. Then in the seventies (The “Me” Decade), the populace that Lang, Roberts, Rosenman and Kornfield brought together turned to spiritual growth, MDMA, and disco, which led right into the ’80s, when they all sold out to to the inherently selfish system of Reaganomics. They even re-elected him, which ensured the entire decade would become a black hole for social issues. It’s all your fault, Woodstock promoters!
03 – Madonna – Nobody captures the “me me me” spirit quite like this cum dumpster. Is there anything she won’t do or say just to retain some hint of relevance? On the checklist of typical boomer characteristics, she receives nearly a perfect sore. She’s an arrogant, superficial, untalented, hackneyed, pietist. She built a career on her lack of sexual mores and navel-gazing, and parlayed that into some sort of retarded spiritual awakening, followed by a period of outspoken bullshit that rarely if ever makes sense. Madonna is a great ‘boomer to put on this list because she’s built quite an empire for herself while achieving absolutely nothing in the way of advancing our society. She set feminism back God-knows how many years. She sucks as an actress, she can’t sing, and she’s a shitty dancer. Like everyone else on this list, she’s useless. Only, because it’s Madonna, she’s super-useless. Like a used condom wrapper.
02 – Oprah Winfrey – Fuck this racist bitch. She’s one of the richest women in the world, and how does she go about giving back to society? She opens an all-black, all-girls school in South Africa. Hey, how about you help out the American educational system while you’re at it? How about you open schools in the Middle East, or South America? Oh, that’s right. You don’t want to. Because you’re racist. You air tearful stories for lonely housewives about colored people overcoming the odds and doing good things, all the while exploiting your own people to amass more wealth. That’s pretty scrupulous of you, Oprah. She started a book club, and praised a white author, until it turned out he was a bit of a liar. Then she proceed to give him a caning that would make many a headmaster blush. Where were you during the Jayson Blair controversy a few years ago, O-dawg? How come, in your twenty-plus years on television, you’ve never once endorsed a candidate for president until now, when you’re adamantly supporting Barack Obama? If there’s one thing I hate more than a Baby Boomer, it’s an ignorant, racist Baby Boomer.
01 – Forest Gump – There’s nothing more cloying than a self-satisfied ‘boomer who can’t shut up about how great they are. Take this retarded southern piece of shit, for example. He sits down on a bench waiting for a bus, and proceeds to tell his stupid stories to anyone who sits down next to him. Of course, nobody sticks around for the duration of the story. It’s too fucking stupid to keep anyone’s attention. The worst part is, this arrogant storytelling motherfucker never even gets on any bus. He exhausts all his stories, then goes, “fuck you guys, I’m out of things to say and I don’t want to hear anything you have to say, so I’m gonna get out of here.” He decides to walk instead of take the bus. Then he meets his son, and his girlfriend dies of AIDS. I wish he’d die of AIDS, too.
PS – Here’s a vain little bonus for you. Pictures of me dancing with my neighbor last weekend, drunken and blond-wigged. Click to enlarge:
