Okay. It took a few phone conversations with friends to work through all the possible costume ideas I had this week, but I think we’ve managed to come up with ten solid ideas. Last year I told you all to dress as used tampons, Jandek, an abortion, or a hipster (talk to people at the party about other people you’ve seen at the party! That one was pretty good!). This year I’m going for the gold…
TOP TEN HALLOWEEN COSTUMES
10) Lisa “Left Eye” Lopez – This is easily the least imaginative of the ten I thought up (but it’s still way better than dressing as Owen Wilson and simply taking a piece of scotch tape and taping your nose to one side of your face). She’s dead. It’s funny. I don’t know, wear a black strip of electrical tape under your eye and set things on fire. You can kick it up a notch by applying a thin layer of shoe polish to your face so that you’re technically in blackface. That will make it more realistic. Or, you can apply some zombie makeup instead of blackface and be her rotting corpse. Just remember the electrical tape and the pyromania. Everyone will know who you are. Oh, here’s another really cheap costume. Wear a dress and a fake mustache. Congratulations, you now have the option of being either PJ Harvey, Tori Amos, or Fiona Apple. Holy shit. I might actually use this one. And I just thought of it right NOW!
09) Herpes – Z and I tried to pull this one off last year, but we couldn’t find the right shade of makeup. Instead, Z smeared a thin layer of fake blood around his eyes to make him look like he was on a speed binge, and I wore a brown hoodie and declared myself “a sad sack of shit”. For the herpes costume, all you have to do is draw a herpes sore on your mouth. If you can get it right (like in that Unicorns video?) you will arrive at whatever party you’re attending and immediately look like the creepiest person there. If somebody makes the mistake of asking what you’re supposed to be, crack a menacing smile and then lean in and whisper something in their ear. Make sure you gently brush your mouth against the person’s neck or cheek.
08) Dumpster Baby – Wear a pair of white skivvies and cover various part of your body with mud or brown paint. Maybe you can attach an old banana peel to your shoulder, or walk around with a broken flower pot on your head. If you’re planning on using this costume idea, don’t shower from now until Wednesday.
07) Various Sexual Offenses – My sister is going to be a donkey punch this year, she claims. She’s going to get a donkey costume and wear boxing gloves. At least she’s finally over her pirate phase. I have to give her some credit for her newfound originality. Unfortunately, my attempts to sway her into dressing as a Polish Bike Ride (dress like a sausage, put a hula-hoop around your waist and make spokes for the “tire” out of aluminum foil), a Texas Chili Bowl (a telephone slathered in hot sauce?), or Space Docking (no idea) were unsuccessful.
06) Al Qaeda – A suicide bomber would make a cool costume. Go to the super market, buy a few packages of Hebrew National hot dogs, duct tape them to your stomach and wear a light jacket. You might not want to shave for a few days. This costume works best if you’re going to be partying in an open space with lots of people. I think it’d go over really well at a public high school, or a mall, or an airport. You’ll be the belle of the ball. Try to get the hair/face to closely resemble the Iraqi guy on “Lost”. Oh, that reminds me!
05) “Lost” – You have to have some experience as an actor or improv artist to pull this one off. It requires nothing as a costume, you can wear whatever clothes you want. But, from the moment you arrive at the party to the moment you leave, you have to look absolutely bewildered for the entire night. If you make eye contact with anyone, you have to look away quickly and then do a double take. Walk around with your brow furrowed. Scratch your forehead or mumble under your breath. Sidle up to some kids talking, utter a brief “Huh,” and then slink away from the conversation. If people ask what you are, just say, “I’m lost.”
04) Dry Cleaning – Z gave me this one. You can wear a suit, but then take a plastic bag and put it over your entire body (leaving a hole for your head). You’re dry cleaning! So easy!
03) Five-Plume Bird Of Paradise – Everybody knows that people who dress up on Halloween are all looking to get laid. That’s why retarded frat brothers always wear big boxes with bows on them and say they’re “God’s gift to women,” and that’s why girls always dress as angels and devils and slutty _____’s. Unfortunately, we humans tend to be quite clumsy when it comes to the mating ritual. So, why not take the advice of another species when it comes to dressing in a way that is going to impress a potential partner? Wear all black and paint tiny day glo blue eyes and a huge smile that stretches all the way across your torso and down your arms. Hop around all crazy like and pin your target girl in a corner. You’re a Bird of Paradise when he’s looking to fuck:
02) Advertisement – Take a random ad from a magazine and buy the object that it is promoting, or a close relative of it. For example: a pair of Rayban sunglasses or an imitation Rolex watch. You can also go to a store and buy any piece of clothing you want, so long as it has a picture of a person wearing that very object either on the tag or package. When you go to the party and people ask what you are, produce the tag, package, ad or picture from your pocket and say, “this guy.” It works best if you buy something really stupid (like a personal flotation device or raincoat) that does not have a celebrity endorsement. That way, you’re dressed as someone no one’s ever heard of and will never see again. Obscure. Witty. Perfect.
01) Any Number Of Free Costumes – You don’t have to buy a costume if you don’t want to. You can pull off any number of emotions, looks, or characters without spending so much as a dollar. My advice would be, tell every person you meet at the party you’re dressed as something else. If there are 100 people there, you need to think of 100 different things you can be. I’ll give a couple to get you started, but you’re really going to have to think of the rest yourself. I’m not going to be there to help you.
1a) “Matchstick repairman” – Tell people you take used matches and recycle them into new ones. I used to use this at bars a lot because I feel really embarrassed telling girls I’m trying to pick-up that I’m a writer.
1b) “Queasy” – Just tell people you’re queasy. It’s much easier to pull off if you’ve been mixing lots of different kinds of booze.
1c) “Best Week Ever” – Wear whatever you want. Squeeze timely pop culture references into every conversation you have. You’re one of the talking heads from the VH1 show.
1d) “Blue collar worker” – Those guys usually don’t own more than jeans and a white t-shirt anyway, so you can get away with wearing just that.
1e) “(tell them your stats)” – It’s sure to throw at least one person for a loop. “What are you?” Then you say “Male, Caucasian, five feet, eleven inches, one-hundred forty five pounds” or whatever. When the person says, “that’s not a costume,” respond by asking, “Is it?” Then glare at them knowingly, and very slowly and smugly nod your head.
