Another week has ended. Shabbat sha-fucking-lom to all you greasy Jews who read this page. I thought your people were supposed to have finely-tuned senses of humor. So, what are you doing here? For everybody who isn’t Jewish, uh…welcome! It’s Friday, and that means it’s time for another Top Ten list. Late last night I brainstormed several new ideas for lists which will probably see the light of day over the next eight weeks. I realized that I have composed not nearly as many lists in 2007 as in previous years. One of these days I’ll compile all the Top Tens into one easily accessible link so you can lose yourself for hours in my sick, demented world. Evansworld: Once you get past the depravity, it’s actually quite funny! Like crippled people!
TOP TEN THINGS THAT CONFUSE ME
10 – recipes – I haven’t prepared a single meal since I moved into my new apartment. It’s been eleven days, and all I’ve eaten is nachos, bagels, spoonfuls of peanut butter, one serving of chili from Whole Foods, and three meals at Patra. I am so, so bad at keeping myself fed. I can’t cook anything that isn’t microwavable or oven-ready. I look at recipes on the sides of boxes and I feel like how the mentally challenged kid I was friends with growing up must have felt about every single thing he encountered. What the hell do all those symbols mean? For example, I’m looking at a recipe for chocolate chip cookies right now. Simple, right? Well, then what the fuck is a TSP? Is that a tablespoon or a teaspoon? They both have those same three letters in them! What’s a dash? How many cups are in a pint? How the hell do you people know this? Do they teach it in school? Was I absent that day? For fuck’s sake!
09 – witches – If my computer’s dictionary defines a witch as “A woman thought to have evil magic powers,” how can there exist both good witches and bad witches? The word itself carries a negative connotation. Shouldn’t a good witch go by a different name than “witch?” Do they, and I just haven’t heard about it? It’s rather vexing. Have any of you women who read this page ever come across a magazine article or children’s book about good witches? Why are they still called witches! (By the way, I should point out that I don’t think I have any female readers anymore. Not after “First Date Advice”, “How to Bed Ladies”, “Why Girls Are Insecure”, and “Things I Look For In A Catch”)
08 – “paper or plastic” – I went to the supermarket for bagels yesterday, and as I was fishing through my pocket for exact change the young woman behind the counter mumbled something in my direction. After asking her to kindly clarify what she had just uttered, she asked if I desired a “paper or plastic” bag to help carry my bagels home. I said I could handle it on my own and left, but the brief exchange got me thinking (uh oh, that spells trouble!)…why is there even an option? Shouldn’t the supermarket just choose one for us? Why do we have to decide how we’re going to get our newly acquired things from one place to another? Just give everyone paper bags, or give everyone plastic bags. It’s not that difficult. I’m certainly not going to freak out if they hand me paper instead of a plastic, or vice versa. Are there people out there who actually care about the “paper or plastic” paradigm? Why are they like that? Are they retarded?
07 – relish and sauerkraut on hot dogs – I haven’t had a hot dog since I went to a Dodgers game a few months ago. I never understood the point of adding condiments to hot dogs. Maybe it’s because I have a very refined palate (and by that I mean I stopped caring about trying new foods in elementary school), but I just use ketchup and that’s enough. It should be enough for you too.
06 – my purpose in life – If I can be frank for a moment (I’ll be Evan again once I finish this sentence), I’m not really confused by this. I know I’m here for many reasons. Some of these include: making people laugh, helping those I care about when they are in need, making women come really hard (multiple times!), and contributing something meaningful to society. By the time I’m dead, hopefully I’ll be able to cross all four of those (plus the rest of the items) off my little checklist. As of this very moment…Eh, I guess one out of four isn’t bad.
05 – drugs – This one is rather straightforward. Drugs literally confuse me. I don’t partake in the drugs these days, but when I did, they sure fucked my shit up (that’s a scientific term). Everything was really funny, but for reasons I could never quite figure out. Or, conversely, everything was really depressing, also for reasons which were unclear. The one thing I could always count on when taking drugs was that the next several hours were going to be very mystifying. Maybe I was going to say “Rubber baby buggy bumpers” over-and-over, ad infinitum. Maybe I was going to sit there with my eyes at half-mast watching a movie on HBO-East and then again three hours later HBO-West without realizing it. It’s hard to even recall specific examples of how bemused I was at the time without confusing myself.
04 – ladies – Women. Girls. Babes. Bitches. Lassies. Dames. Chicks. Broads. Coozes. Matrons. “The fairer sex.” We’ve heard all the names, but we haven’t come any closer to unlocking the mysteries of their minds (or the chastity belts they wear to protect their holy vaginas!). Where did they learn that they have to always wear makeup? What are they really hiding in those abnormally large handbags? Who are they always sending text messages to? Why must they send mixed signals even though its obvious they each me? When did that one girl I liked in high school start closing her window-shades while undressing? How often do they think about me naked? Is any of this getting through to you? There are so many confusing traits that women possess it would require it’s own top ten list. All I know is, some of them like to be roughed up, while others just enjoy hearing vague threats. As long as they’re in our thoughts, right? …
03 – films with subtitles – If I have to read the dialogue at the bottom of the screen for two hours it’s going to prevent me from enjoying the cinematography. If I pay attention to the visuals, I’m not going to read the dialogue and I won’t know what the hell the story is. I wouldn’t call myself hyperactive or anything, but I find it hard to sit still and pay attention to both the action and the words at the same time. What’s more, how am I supposed to read the subtitles, study the visuals, and consume a bucket of popcorn, a soda, or nachos all at the same time? Who am I, Roger Ebert? Great, now I’ve got cancer!
02 – why people think babies are so cute – I’ve held babies before. I haven’t ever been the person responsible for making the baby (though there have been some close calls!), but I’ve held babies that were relatives of mine and babies that were not relatives of mine. They’re not cute. They just sleep, or they cry, or they puke, or they shit, or they piss. That’s about it, really. And yet, every time a new baby enters a family everyone gets really excited to see it and take pictures of it, as if it’s the latest reincarnation of the Dalai Lama. I’ll tell you what little Kundun, when you’re old enough to walk and talk, we can go to a fucking bar and hang out like normal people do. That’d be cute. Until then, I don’t have any use for you.
01 – other people – I wouldn’t say people as a whole are confusing, but they are certainly interesting. A lot of times when I’m out in public, I feel like I’m hovering over everything and watching from afar. It’s a lot easier than engaging in the superficial conversations that are normally constructed in social settings. Then I like to prod at people and see what happens. I have impulses to say things that could go unsaid, but I say them anyway to ease the banality of whatever situation I’m immersed in. I can understand how the notion of watching things from above might sound condescending, but I’m pretty sure this is an unrelated phenomenon. It’s more like…engaging in meaningless conversation is a social skill that is not in my skill set, so I have to invent ways to keep myself amused. Other people, let’s you and I vow to always communicate harmoniously and honestly about interesting ideas.
No? You’d rather talk about sports or who you saw making out with who in the other room at the party? Ugh. Fine. Whatever.
