It’s going to be a busy weekend. Lots of things to do and people to see. I spent my afternoon yesterday updating the main Swan Fungus site, so there are lots of new photographs uploaded and viewable. I know it took me two years to upload all the 2005 roadtrip photos, but it took only a few hours to get through all of 2006 and 2007, both travel and concert photography. Sure the pictures suck, but it’s the thought that counts!
Speaking of terrible photography, Nicci’s Joshua Tree photos make mine look like an ADD second grader took them.
Alright, it’s time for the Friday Top Ten list. No, Sam, I’m not going to make a list of the top ten things I’ve inserted inside a lady. I think we both know I’d need ten spots just to cover the fruits and vegetables. So, let’s forget about the ladies from my past and focus solely on me. Here’s something most people don’t know about me (ha!): I don’t like spending money. When I buy something, it always turns out to be a bust, or useless, and I get really mad at myself.
Top Ten Purchases I’ve Lived To Regret
– Bobby Hurley jersey – As a youngster, I was a frontrunner when it came to sports. My favorite pro teams were the Dallas Cowbys and Chicago Bulls, and I supported Duke and Florida State in collegiate sports. When Bobby Hurley was drafted by the Sacramento Kings, I immediately commanded my father to order me his jersey from QVC. Then Bobby Hurley got into an accident that ended his basketball career. I’ve never had much luck buying sports memorabilia or jerseys. If the names Ki-Jana Carter, Darnell Autry and Bill Pulsipher don’t ring a bell, it’s probably because I owned their jerseys, and their careers ended before the apparel made it through its first wash cycle. I guess the secret to becoming a huge sports star is to make sure I’m not a fan of yours.
– Sega Saturn – What an ungodly invention Sega Saturn was. I could only afford two games (a fighting game and a baseball game), the graphics were horrible, and the young CD technology created endless frustrations with games freezing and skipping. If I’d waited a few minutes longer I could have owned a Playstation, but I was a moron and wound up with a piece of shit. To compound my depression, all my friends went out and got better game systems than I had, and it made me hate myself even more. This was my first non-Nintendo purchase as a child. I still regret it to this day.
– BOSS Mega Distortion – Talk about a clunker. When I used to play my Epiphone SG through a Mesa Boogie 1×12, I thought this little red pedal was going to make me sound like I was in Silverchair or something. Instead, it sounded like a jet engine’s wet fart. Lucky for me, eBay existed at the time I purchased this travesty, and I almost made all my money back. The Mega Distortion was just the first in a long line of guitar effects that I impulsively purchased and grew to despise. Most of these pedals, unsurprisingly, were manufactured by BOSS. The Prescription Electronics Experience pedal would fall into the category of a raw deal, too. I could never make that damn thing swell. The Maestro Fuzztain pedal I bought was a steal for fifty bucks, but it broke a week after I purchased it, and I haven’t been able to use it in six years. I could make an entire list of atrocious music equipment purchases, but that would bore a lot of you.
– microcassette recorder – In college I wrote for two school papers, so I decided that in order to look like a professional journalist I needed to carry a microcassette recorder. I went to Radio Shack and dropped a few bucks on one that looked really sleek. They touted its ability to begin recording as soon as it sensed a human voice. It was perfect for interviews. Of course, it wouldn’t make the list if it came as advertised. The thing never worked and I ended up throwing it against my wall in a fit of anger, shattering it into a dozen pieces. Instead of an interview with a hot rising indie band, and an interview with a Dean at my college for an important article, I recorded only the soothing sound of tape hiss. Apparently the technology for triggering a cassette recorder upon sensing human voices is still a few years off.
– any video game – I don’t play video games any more. I have an XBox 360 sitting in it’s case in the living room that I haven’t unpacked since I moved to Los Angeles. I bought a few games before I left, and they haven’t been played. Pretty much any time I saw a commercial for a cool video game growing up, I would spend all my money on it and something would go wrong. I remember excitedly getting Tom Clancy’s Rainbow Six computer game only to find that there was a bug in it, and the game would crash every time I reached a certain point. The only game I ever really loved and played was Quake, and I didn’t purchase that one on my own so I guess it doesn’t count.
– come on die young – I’ve made some bad vinyl purchases since I started collecting. I bought this Mogwai record for $40 and I only listened to it once. I bought an LCD Soundsystem record because it was marked down to $5 and it’s the worst record in my collection. Pretty much any time I buy a record that costs more than $10 I get really angry at myself. It doesn’t help that I always walk out of record stores feeling hungry (then again, I’m always hungry, it’s a byproduct of starvation) only to find that I don’t have enough money left for a sandwich.
– DVDs – I never really watch movies more than once anyway, unless it’s something like True Romance or AntiTrust. So what’s the point of buying a video? I can’t even bring myself to sign up for Netflix, because it seems like a complete waste of money and time. Buying DVDs is an experience that is innately depressing, because you realize that after you’ve unsealed the thing and spent an hour or two consuming it, you’re probably never going to want to see it again. And then you realize you paid double what it would have cost to see the thing in a movie theater.
– Jebus – I spent eighty dollars on Jebus when I was in the 11th grade. He has brought me nothing but laughter and paranoia since then. He has made many friends, and also many enemies. Together we formed a relationship stronger than…what’s something that’s strong? Titanium? Platinum? Diamond? Whatever material we were, it was the strongest bond between man and inanimate object imaginable. We traveled the spaceways together. And then, of course, as we were sitting around one night giggling through an episode of Harvey Birdman, I decided I didn’t like Jebus anymore. I wanted to go to 711 for some nachos, but my pockets were empty. At that moment, I just wished I had my eighty dollars back.
– hats – I always look really, really stupid in hats. I used to have a really nice array of baseball caps I could wear for any occasion. Then I accidentally caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror wearing a hat and it was like finding out my parents weren’t my real parents. I gave all my beautiful hats away to friends and family. Two summers ago I caved in and bought a cowboy hat and a trucker hat, but the only time I wore the cowboy hat was when Z and I randomly decided to dress like cowboys one night last winter.
– food – Due to my persistent health problems, pretty much any food item I buy becomes a rip off. It only makes me sick and despondent. I wish they made meals in pill form, like the pills I have to take in order to stomach even a small meal. That way I wouldn’t have to pay for the food and the ability to digest the food. I’d just eat the pill and get all the nutrients I need. The rawest deal I ever got, literally, was an Applebees hamburger that was raw on the inside. I haven’t vomited like that in years. I vomited so hard I saw stars. When I stood upright there were birds tweeting around my head like when Porky Pig would get a lump on his head after being clocked by another cartoon character.
