A recent list compiled by researchers at Johns Hopkins lists the top ten worst human behaviors. Let’s see how many I’m guilty of…
1. Discrimination in an employment situation: I am guilty of this, but in a kind-of unintentional way. Once I was working at the golf range when former New York Giants running back Otis “O.J.” Anderson marched in and asked for — actually he demanded — two buckets of balls. When I told him that would cost twenty dollars, he said, “No, I don’t think you heard me. I said I’d take two extra-large buckets.” When I again prompted him for twenty dollars, he snorted and turned his head as if he was searching for someone in an invisible posse to set me straight. He walked through the door and returned with one of the golf pros, and said, “Do you know this kid?” The pro of course said he knew me, and then Mr. Anderson said, “Can you believe this kid doesn’t know who O.J. is?” The pro went on to introduce me to O.J., and I told him I was going to help him out this time because he was late for a lesson, but never again. I discriminate against rich people in the workplace because they expect shit for free and I expect to follow the rules wherever I work. Except for all the times I steal soda pop or pay for food deliveries with my employer’s money.
2. Erratic or aggressive driving that endangers others: I got a ticket for this once (they call it “unsafe operation”), but it was actually considered to e a “break,” or so said the officer as he was writing the citation. Apparently Johnny Law doesn’t like it when I speed down I-78. I wasn’t being erratic or weaving between lanes agressively, I was probably just nervously accelerating on account of the caffeine and ephedrine that was always in my system during the lean college years. I wouldn’t dare tell that to the judge, though. I just paid my eighty dollars plus court costs and left. I bet O.J. Anderson wouldn’t have paid that ticket.
3. Taking credit for someone else’s work: I try my best to give credit where credit is due, but I can only preface so many stories with “My friend…” or “Remember that episode of…” before I get tired of referencing people that my other friends don’t know and launch into a story or joke. If they laugh, I feel better about myself. That’s all. Rarely do I make outrageous claims about how I invented the steam engine or started the idiom “My two cents”. That would be totally amoral.
4. Treating service providers as inferiors: I’ve worked as a service provider so I know how they feel. I make sure to tip well and thank people kindly for all that they do. I can only think of two instances where I treated a service provider like shit. At the Skylight Diner in Manhattan in 1998 I left a three cent tip because my omelet was undercooked and they got my drink order wrong five times. I was with friends and we were coming from a Moe. show, so you can imagine what kind of state we were in that night. The second instance was at Tuman’s in Chicago in 2005, when Jeff, Jet and I left accidentally (and then, once we realized it, purposely) without paying our tab, even though we all knew it was going to come out of our waitress’s pocket.
5. Jokes or remarks that mock another’s race, gender, age, disability, sexual preference or religion: Um…what kind of joke doesn’t mock those things? I’ll tell you what kind — a not funny one. The only one of those I won’t joke about is sexual preference, because those people have enough problems as it is (AIDS).
6. Children behaving aggressively or bullying others: As much as some of my friends will tell you otherwise, I am not a child. I never bullied anyone physically when I was younger, just emotionally. I could be a real douchebag. Now that I’m older and more mature, I have no desire to bully anyone. I love everyone.
7. Littering (including trash, spitting, pet waste): Okay, I have allergies. What am I supposed to do, pay for another prescription? One that’s going to stop my constant hacking up phlegm? No thanks, I’ve got enough medications to pay for already. The best I can do is try not to spit in front of you, but that’s not going to stop me from spitting out my car window or if I’m walking down the street alone. I don’t have any pets right now, and I don’t litter with trash. I love mama earth.
8. Misuse of handicapped privileges: Yeah, but what about if you’ve been drinking all night and you have to piss, like, really badly, and the only available stall in the bathroom is the handicapped one? What am I supposed to do, leave it open in the off chance that someone with a physical handicap is going to need to use the restroom at the exact same time as me? I don’t think so. Furthermore, what’s someone with a physical handicap doing at a bar anyway? Shouldn’t they be staying at home all night pitying themselves? (zing!)
9. Smoking in non-smoking places or smoking in front of non-smokers without asking: I don’t smoke so I don’t worry about this one.
10. Using cell phones or text messaging in mid-conversation or during an appointment or meeting: I did this Saturday night at the bar, and I felt really bad about it until I realized that I shouldn’t have to give a shit about being really famous and popular. The girl I was talking to at the time said something like, “Wow, you’re really fast with that,” which only inflated my ego that much more. If you and I are ever out in public, don’t comment on my getting lots of text messages or calls. If you ever become a renowned cewebrity like I am, you’ll understand.
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My God, was yesterday ever boring. Canceled plans, fell asleep on the couch all afternoon with the TV on, woke up in time for dinner feeling slightly ill, got drunk and watched some episodes from season 3 of Lost (When did Jack turn all schizo!), and fell asleep early. I guess it’s nothing I should be writing about here, as it makes me look quite pathetic.
