What’s wrong, Ry-guy, people stopped taking you seriously because they realized just how unoriginal your sound is?
My God, CNN has resorted to sharing tales of social networking geeks finger-banging each other?
I just finished a conversation with a friend who is moving to a new neighborhood, and I mentioned how the local hang-outs and eateries in that area are numerous. It got me thinking about how eating fast food all the time is a conundrum, because it’s both super-tasty and unhealthy. I do not like to eat fast food (exceptions: In-N-Out, Chipotle/Qdoba), or at chain restaurants, but there are some establishments that challenge this rule. That’s why I’ve decided to devote this Friday Top Ten to the best chain restaurants of all time. There is no need for a list of the worst chain restaurants, because everybody already knows Applebee’s is the worst restaurant in the world. The ratio of times I’ve eaten there to times I’ve vomited after eating there is 1:1. You also won’t find Fuddrucker’s or their one-pound hamburger on this list, because it’s so gross. As much as I’d like to include Outback Steakhouse here, the fact that they disappointed me one fateful day this past April in Independence, Missouri will prevent them from joining the list.
This should be fun because it combines two of my worst writing skills: autobiographical anecdotes and describing food. This could get interesting…
TOP TEN CHAIN RESTAURANTS
10) IHOP – I haven’t stepped foot in an IHOP in at least fifteen years, but the first ten years of my life included many trips to the IHOP in Verona or Bloomfield or wherever it was. I used to get either the three egg omelet or a short stack of pancakes with a sunnyside-up eggs, bacon, a Coke, an OJ and a Milk. To be perfectly honest with you, the latter was pretty much my entire source of sustenance for a very long time. I’m sure I’ve stated it before, but I used to pack away gastronomic breakfast portions as part of a three-square-meal diet and never really paid the price for it. I was always healthy, I wasn’t obese. My grandmother and her friend used to take my sister and I to IHOP and tell us it was okay to drink the half-and-half they leave on the table for coffee drinkers. As I got older (seven, eight years old), I experimented with chocolate chip pancakes and never really looked back. You haven’t lived until you’ve combined chocolate chip pancakes, eggs and bacon in your system with milk, juice, and a soda. I prefer Original Pancake House if I’m going to go to a chain restaurant for breakfast these days, but IHOP holds more memories for me, so it’s the sentimental choice. (Evan begins to cry salty, bacon-y tears)
09) T.G.I Friday’s – I know, I know how awful this place is, but…at least they’re trying to make a change. I usually ate here with Sam and Lindsey after taking in a movie on Route-1, or with my sister if she knew the bartender and could score us free alcohol. The last time I ate there they had double-layered quesadillas, and I happily consumed them. It’s somehow better than Chili’s or Ruby Tuesdays or those other places that have almost identical menus.
08) Ground Round – There used to be one on Route-10 in East Hanover. I think it was in the location that is now occupied by that vocational college, but I could very well be wrong. They had a big square dining room; the walls were lined with booths and the center of the room was filled with tables. They had a large projection screen on the front wall of the room that used to play black-and-white silent films on a loop. Each table had free endless bowls of popcorn for patrons to enjoy while they were waiting for their food. My dad always packed away a shit-ton of popcorn. I don’t remember what I used to order when we went here, but it shouldn’t be hard to figure out because I only ordered two meals as a child when my family dined-out. I either got a hamburger or a grilled cheese sandwich. Seriously, I think that’s all I ate for dinner during my childhood. Ground Round does not exist in New Jersey anymore, but apparently there is one in Allentown that I never saw in my entire college experience. I wonder if they still have the free popcorn.
07) Carraba’s – When you’re an idiot college kid in Allentown, pretty much the only place you know you can go to eat for your first year is Carraba’s. It’s the place with the trees on the roof. I ate here a lot my sophomore year at Muhlenberg and then never again. I think it had something to do with one of my ex-girlfriend’s friends vomiting mid-meal. It’s always such a turnoff when somebody complains about food not tasting good and then vomits right in front of everybody. It kind of makes you not want to go there anymore. When I did eat here, they had a grilled chicken penne alfredo dish that was very tasty. The fact that someone got so ill eating here makes more sense once you realize the parent company also owns Outback Steakhouse.
06) Perkins – The food at Perkins sucks. It’s absolutely deplorable. The eggs are always runny, the toast is burnt, the hash browns look like diarrhea…Pretty much everything they serve is atrocious. Of course, Perkins also has an option to substitute your toast with a fresh, piping hot muffin, and they happen to serve the best corn muffin I’ve ever had in my entire life. It’s bursting with flavor. It’s like an orgasm in my mouth, and everybody’s orgasming. The baker, the server, me. We’re all just…orgasming. Multiple orgasms for my sophisticated muffin-loving palate.
05) Bennigan’s – My sister used to have her birthday dinner at the one in Florham Park every year. Since she was born in March, they would always be holding their annual St. Patrick’s Day find-and-win contest. They hid small scratch-off tickets all over the restaurant (in plants, behind pictures, under barstools), and each one had a prize (free soda, free t-shirt, free license plate frame). The kids all went nuts for my sister’s Bennigan’s birthday because everybody went home with armfuls of swag. The food wasn’t so good; they serve a downright pedestrian burger. The positive memories I have of Bennigan’s are what make this such a high number on the list.
04) Cheeburger Cheeburger – I’ve only been to this place once, but it was like Johnny Rockets on steroids. They had something like 100 different kinds of malts and shakes, they made their own vanilla and cherry colas, and the hamburgers had unlimited toppings. The fries and rings come with two dipping sauces. It’s absolutely the most unhealthy of any of these places, I think…but it’s also really, really good. I went with Dan and Ken, and I had a semi-serious (1/3 pound) cheeseburger with bacon, jalapeno peppers, Tabasco and pickles. I washed it down with a vanilla coke. Ken got one of the crazy shakes, I think it was chocolate Oreo. Delicious. They also take your picture wearing a cheeseburger hat and post it on the wall if you finish one of their one-pound hamburgers. Someday…
03) Cracker Barrel – Traditional southern cuisine (or “comfort food” as they call it) has never tasted so good. When you drive cross-country, sometimes you just have to eat at Cracker Barrel for breakfast and dinner. This isn’t entirely because it’s the only place on the side of the road, but that fact certainly works in Cracker Barrel’s favor. I like the way the restaurant extends a huge middle finger to all the vegetarians and vegans by not offering a single item on their menu that fits their dietary needs. You know why? Because Cracker Barrel is America, and in America we eat what we kill and we use animal products to fatten ourselves! If you don’t like it, there’s a perfectly acceptable grassy knoll out front in which you can graze. I’ll be inside chowing down on eggs, thick-cut bacon, grits, biscuits, and some fuckin’ hash browns. Afterwards, I like to snort bumps of No Doz in the bathroom, because they have the cleanest restrooms in America and I figure that’s where all the bikers inhale their crystal meth.
02) California Pizza Kitchen – I don’t know what the hell a “California style pizza” is, because–at least in Los Angeles–there’s no such thing as a good traditional pizza. Nevertheless, this restaurant is delicious and rarely disappoints. In fact, The Best Podcast You Have crew used to eat here regularly before venturing out into the world to capture sounds for the weird audio masterpieces that were once a popular staple of this site. I normally get the five-cheese and fresh tomato pizza, but I always secretly wanted to order the chipotle chicken pizza. I have no idea what their non-pizza menu items taste like, but other people I’ve dined with tend to agree that it’s all really good. Yes, Ilya…CPK serves an actual “Thai Chicken Pizza”. We can go there for dinner whenever you want. Just say the word.
01) The Cheesecake Factory – I don’t eat Cheesecake, but this place is incredible. I first went here when I was an adolescent. I had my eighth or ninth birthday at one in Florida, and had to wait almost thirteen years to have it again the afternoon of my sister’s college graduation. Their portions are mammoth. The menu is cool. The last time I ate here (Menlo Park, NJ?) someone in my dining group (we’re like the Buena Vista Social Club of diner rats) called it the fanciest diner in the country, but I don’t remember who it was because we were spiking our drinks at the table and getting really drunk. There’s almost always a multiple-hour wait to eat here, and for good reason. It’s best to go late at night before they close. And if your waiter is young, ask if they’ll bring you extra glasses for those beers you had to sneak inside under your waistband. They know what’s up, and you’ll earn instant cool points.
