In my attempt to transform Swan Fungus into Ken’s vision of a website devoted entirely to my annoying Top Ten lists (he wanted me to rename this page Evanslist), I bring you yet another list from an outside source that I will analyze and critique. Leave it to MSNBC’s Today Show to tackle the topic of “biggest sex mistakes” men and women make. I think “misunderstandings” is an awfully nice way of stating that men and women enjoy entirely different things in the bedroom, but I’m willing to give noted “sexpert” Tracy Cox (Oh my God, her name is Cox! Serendipity!) a chance to show me why the girls I’ve slept with and myself are different in ways other than their crippling emotional issues.
#1 – “Women don’t understand why men don’t like to cuddle.” Tracey says she thinks men actually enjoy cuddling. Yeah, whatever, that’s exactly what a woman would say. She’s just trying to use reverse psychology on her own man (if she’s even got one). Men don’t like to cuddle, and it has nothing to do with our fear of being perceived as vulnerable by a woman. It has to do with being uncomfortable while watching SportsCenter. How am I going to sit up and curse the Mets for losing if I’ve got some lady’s head weighing down on my chest? Of course, I say that even though I am a cuddler at heart. Ladies, if you’re looking to cuddle, you should call me sometime. Or, try one of my infamous cuddle parties, which are held Thursdays and Sundays in my plush apartment. BYOP (the “p” stands for pillows).
#2 – “Women don’t understand the extent to which performance anxieties, self-esteem issues and body-image issues all affect male sex drive.” Tracy says men aren’t robots, they’re actually humans who fear everything women fear. Yeah, whatever. Nice try. Men are robots, Tracey. We are cold, calculating machines with absolutely no emotions. Only women and homosexuals suffer from the disease known as “emotions.” My old boss used to tell me that “emotions are just a report card for how your brain is doing,” and are completely unnecessary to function healthily. He told me only women talk about “feelings,” because they are intuitive and visceral, and men do not because we are logical and rational. My boss was a lot of fun to talk to. He hates women, and he still probably knows more than Tracey.
#3 – “Women think that men are always ready and willing to have sex any time, any place.” Tracey says “[women] do,” but mentions how once a man hits his twenties his desire is diminished. Bullshit, Tracey. Just because your husband has grown tired of throwing his hot dog down your weathered hallway doesn’t mean all men grow tired of having sex. I can and will have sex at any time, any place. Challenge me. I dare you.
#4 – “Women don’t understand how men can differentiate so easily between love and sex.” Tracey did not weigh-in on this issue, but I bet she says that it has something to do with a man not wanting to confess his love for a woman because it’s emasculating. I disagree. It is very easy to differentiate between love and sex, because one is a state of mind and one is the physical realization of that state of mind (sometimes). Here are a few simple ways to differentiate between love and sex for all the women out there: When I put my penis in a girl, that’s called “sex”. It is not an action that is exclusive to being in love. When I buy a girl flowers and chocolates, it is because I (probably) love her. It is not an action that is performed just because I want to have sex. Okay, odds are I buy flowers and chocolates because I want to have sex with the girl, but they’re not insane odds. 2:1.
#5 – “Men assume that women have lower desire than men.” Tracey says that women desire sex just as much as men. Yeah, okay. I’ve read all those studies about how women peak later than men, too, but I don’t really believe it. Women only want to watch Gossip Girl, or The Hills, or something. What about my needs. Is it so much just to ask for sex five-to-ten times a day? Jesus Christ, lady!
#6 – “Men assume that all women want romance, not raunch.” Tracey says women are “not that pure,” and they can be just as raunchy as men. Sure, some women can be pretty raunchy. I’ve seen filthy things on the Internet I didn’t even know existed. But the overwhelming majority of girls are not going to get on all fours and take it from a horse, or drink a champagne glass full of ejaculate. So don’t blame men for assuming women are romantic and sexually vanilla, blame the porn industry.
