People tend to yell at me for a lot of reasons. Maybe it’s a perceived condescension or pretentiousness in my writing (it’s called entertainment, people). Maybe it’s my general outlook on life. One commonality that everyone I know is irked by are my eating habits. Suddenly people are shocked when they hear I’ve never eaten a particular dish, or don’t like the taste of some sweet-tasting condiment. It’s not like it’s something I have control over, people!
Plus, most of the things we eat don’t even make sense. They don’t occur in nature. The idea of putting two vastly different items together to form a dish can sometimes be downright stupid. Who the hell came up with the chicken cesar salad? A closet case who desired to “butch up” by mixing the wimpiest meat product in his greens? Here are ten things I detest and will never eat.
TOP TEN STRANGE, UNNATURAL FOOD COMBINATIONS
10. Certain Kinds of Sushi – I like California rolls. Is that the one with the crab meat and avocado? That one is pretty alright. I have this thing about eating cold or uncooked meats. I’ll get to it later. Also, whenever I think of seaweed, I think of the stuff that gets stuck between the toes of very fat women at the beach. I don’t think about a delicious ingredient in a tasty food.
09. Turkey Meat Loaf – No thanks. I’ll have mine cooked with real meat, not this fake dainty bullshit, thank you very much.
08. Fruits, Vegetables (various) – It’s probably easier to name what I will eat. I like apples (red or green), oranges, clementines, bananas, grapes (green only), carrots, broccoli, and strawberries. I have issues with pretty much everything else. I like watermelon flavored candy and gum, but not actual watermelon. Go figure.
07. Meats (various) – I like eating things that died in order for me to be satisfied with my swollen-full belly. I like steak, I like chicken breast (only white meat, no dark meat), I like flounder (but no other fish), and I like veal. I don’t like the idea of eating certain shellfish (though I like steamed clams), especially shit like crawdads. I don’t like cold meats. My rationale is, if it’s been cooked, it probably won’t kill me. If it’s served cold, it is therefore uncooked, and the odds say I’m about to contract some weird disease and die.
06. Anything Tartare – See above for explanation.
05. Beans – They’re gross. I only like Texas-style Chili. They’re useless. In almost every instance one can think of for using beans in a recipe, odds are you can just forget them and the meal will still taste good. The same goes for mushrooms. Totally pointless.
04. Condiments (various) – Most of the problems I have with eating stem from gross condiments. I don’t like honey in tea, I don’t like chutney or jam or jelly, and I don’t like any sauces (except red sauce) or dressings. I don’t like mustard or relish. I don’t like coleslaw. Pretty much anything you can think of that garnishes food, I don’t like. Basically, I like some steak sauces, I like ketchup, I like hot sauce (unless it’s green), and maple syrup (none of those flavored ones). Nothing else.
03. Onions – Not fried, not cold, not unless I can’t see them. When I was young I used to cry when my McDonald’s hamburgers had too many diced onions on them.
02. Cream cheese – Smells awful, tastes foul. When I was young I used to cry when my scrambled eggs were made with cream cheese.
01. Tuna Fish – Fucking gross. Anyone who eats tuna fish is no friend of mine. It stinks like ass, and I can’t even imagine what it tastes like. The fact that people have to constantly mix other things in with the tuna fish clearly shows that it tastes bad, too. Otherwise, why would someone put celery or tomato or a crushed walnut or something in with the food. They’re trying to justify eating something horrible.
By the way, if you think any of this is weird, you can go to hell.
