Under ugly, menacing gray skies, I departed from Tulsa this morning. For only a brief amount of time, I drove along I-44W. Then I exited onto the John Kilpatrick Turnpike (I wondered at the time if Kilpatrick was in any way related to my friend Connor, and I’ve since found out he was!), and finally took I-40 West for a few hundred miles. I passed pretty much nothing all day. There were giant radio towers outside of Oklahoma City. It rained steadily for the first portion of my drive, and then, slowly, the clouds began to give way to sunlight. Then, voila! Sun and warmth!
Did you know that Yukon, Oklahoma is the birthplace of Garth Brooks? Without Garth Brooks, you wouldn’t be here today. Okay, you would be here, I just would have chosen a different moniker for this website.
Did you know that Erick, Oklahoma is the home of Roger Miller? Who, as far as I can tell by looking at a billboard, was a black-and-white man who may or may not have at one time sat in a chair? Just kidding! “King of the Road” is one of the best songs ever written!
Because the weather was nice, I took the opportunity to stop at a pair of Cherokee trading posts. I wanted to see a live buffalo up-close, because the last ones I saw were in South Dakota, and they were several hundred feet away from me. I was not disappointed by the Cherokee trading post. Not only did I get to see a buffalo or two, but I got to record 10 minutes of audio inside one of them (uh…the trading posts, not the buffalo), and boy is it a hoot! Especially the part where you can hear me almost destroy a display case filled with wind chimes! The shops had many items for sale, including stuffed rattlesnakes, and all the guns, knives, hatchets, and arrowheads you’ll ever need. Also, one eerily placed belt buckle with the freemasonry symbol etched into it.
(pause for dramatic effect)
Ooh, wind turbines! I love those things! A lot! Apparently I love them three times as much as not wind turbines.
After that, it was more pretty skies, and nice things, and then there were no more eyesores (read: billboards) for a very long time. Then there was nothing for a very long time, except for one gas station, which had a tumbleweed rolling around in front of it.
The skies were beginning to darken, and darken rapidly, so I made no more stops until I reached Amarillo.
Amarillo?
Yes, Amarillo, Texas, that hotbed of popular culture. They’re on the cutting edge of technology and fashion here in Amarillo, but more on that later…
I saw a sign for “Extreme Church” in Sayre, Oklahoma. It was written in a funky lime green color with lighting bolts in the background. I wonder if everyone wears backwards hats and baggy jeans to “Extreme Church”. They love their God….TO THE EXTREME!
Speaking of God, today I drove past the largest cross in the Western Hemisphere. In case you were wondering (you weren’t), it’s located in Groom, Texas. I tried to feel something as I passed alongside it, but then I remembered that episode of Futurama (season four, cough cough) where Bender gets lost in space and becomes “God” to a colony of microscopic people who get attached to him as he passes through an asteroid field. At one point one of the microscopic children lays face-down on the ground (Bender’s belly) and stretches his arms out really wide while declaring, “Look daddy, I’m hugging God! Maybe if I hug him real hard he’ll save us…” Yeah, and maybe if the people of Groom made their cross just a tiny bit larger, their prayers might be answered. Monumental symbol? Monumentally stupid.
For those of you keeping score at home, I’ve completed 1,909 miles out of 2,749. I have spent about 32 hours in my car this week. I have listened to 349 songs on my iPod out of a possible 8,750. I have purchased gasoline seven times. The most I have paid so far is (still) $3.009 per gallon. I’ve spent exactly $33.92 on food and drink since the beginning of this trip. That’s pretty good for 4 days (including one $15 meal), but did you know that it cost me $10 in tolls just to drive through Oklahoma? For some reason you have to pay $3.50 twice as a toll-way entrance fee (twice?), and then every couple of miles there are additional $1 tollbooths. Fuck that, Oklahoma! It costs more to drive through you than to eat in you!
Speaking of food, yesterday my sole source of sustenance was candy, an entire sleeve of Ritz crackers, and diet soda. Today I dined like a king. Breakfast was free (!!!), so it consisted of two egg-and-cheese omelets, a toasted bagel, a Belgian waffle, an apple, and orange juice. This evening my “dinner,” was also free (!!!). The hotel had a two-hour-long social gathering that I took complete advantage of. My first dish consisted of two dozen blocks of cheese (cheddar and pepper jack) with crackers, sweet and sour pickles, and about ten thick-cut slices of spicy salami, washed down with a Bud Light and a Coke. My next dish consisted of a dozen or so mini hot dogs, washed down with a Coors Light and a bottle of water. My third dish consisted of three bags of Doritos and several spoonfuls of a local salsa, washed down with a Bud Light and a Coors Light (the salsa was spicy). I grabbed another dish of cheese, salami, crackers, and pickles, shoved cans of beer and soda in my pockets, and raced back to my room to consume it all. Free. All of it. My belly gorged, I’m ready to just go to sleep. Or maybe vomit. You know, whatever comes first…
PS – In case you were wondering, the URL of the official microsurgical vasectomy reversal website is, naturally, just that. The picture at the top of the page is exactly what all their billboards look like. Also, said billboards promise a money-back guarantee! How could you possibly resist! I might get a vasectomy just so I can have it reversed.
