Oh, man. Life can be pretty frustrating. Work now consists of staring blankly at the desktop computer screen for several hours each morning until my eyes glaze over and I realize I haven’t blinked in six minutes. Meanwhile, on the laptop, back-and-forth e-mails pertaining to housing, jobs, and manuscript submissions are continuous. By the time lunch rolls around (okay, who am I kidding, we all know I don’t eat) I’m sick and tired of staring at a computer screen. Then I remember I have to update this page, and I get really angry at my inability to think of funny topics to write about—so fall back on playing über-snob and panning whatever is “in” these days.
Since my two-year anniversary passed last month with little-or-no fanfare, I’m dedicating this week’s top ten list to a “State Of The Blugh” address (remember how last year’s was sooooo funny!!111!). It’s basically a reminder to you what the hell my intentions are, and why you should never take anything I say seriously. Also, it’s an unordered list, because everything I say—or have ever said, or ever will say—is of grave importance. Think of me as air: your life depends on it.
TOP TEN THINGS YOU NEED TO KNOW ABOUT THIS ‘ERE WEBSITE
– I don’t understand web design – So that’s why the layout and colors change (and will continue to change) frequently. In fact, As I begin my third year maintaining this “blog,” I’ve undergone three big design changes. If I could make up my damn mind, or stop stuttering long enough to tell someone what I’m looking for, maybe I’d settle on a consistent theme. Until then, deal with the long load times and poor design. The writing is the most important part, anyway.
– No politics, not ever – If you want to read about politics, go somewhere else. Read the Huffington Post blogs if you want in-depth political writing. I might slip in a joke every now and then, but I like being an independent and I don’t think there’s any reason for me to sit here and pontificate about it. I’d much rather talk about my adventures in getting laid or make fun of your favorite “indie” band. I hear The Drudge Report and Consortium News are doing wonderful things with politics and news these days.
– I like lists – When hard-pressed for story ideas, I’ll just start listing things. I think I got the idea from reading Robinson Crusoe. There are pages and pages and pages of stupid lists that take up a lot of space in that book. Maybe it’s OCD, maybe it’s boredom…maybe it’s simply my Nazi-esque desire for uniformity and order. Whatever it is, there are lots of lists here. Ken suggested renaming the site “Evanslist,” but I didn’t want to face any legal trouble.
– It could end any day – I get bored with things very easily. It’s why I’ve never amounted to anything. There are two things you should know if you enjoy reading this every day. Number one is, it’s a lot harder than you’d think to conjure original topic ideas 365 days a year. Number two is, one day I’m just going to give up without saying anything. That’s just the way I operate. If you search hard enough you’ll find between ten and twenty other pages I created and left to rot like a decrepit motel on historic Route-66.
– I’m actually pretty smart – I just don’t show it. I’m not sure why. Go read through the first few months in the archives and you’ll probably be shocked by my insight and interesting ideas (also my large vocabulary!). Somewhere along the line I just lost the desire to think things through. Recently I’ve exhibited only flashes of brilliance. In 2007 I’ll try to be more astute.
– It’s not a “music blog” – I like music, I talk about it and share it frequently, but I talk about other cultural trends just as frequently. One week recently was exclusively about films. Year One was entirely about graduating and writing my book. Year two has been about, well, more varied subjects. Year three will hopefully bring even more new features (remember “Letters To No One,” “Evan Ostracizes Himself From The Industry” and “Product Reviews”?), more universal topics, and funnier prose. I’m still learning and adapting, and this page will forever be evolving.
– Sometimes…I cry – When people don’t comment in response to my posts. Even if you think my idea to reinvent the wheel (I mean that literally, I want to try to make it boxy instead of circular) is utterly retarded, at least have the sense to tell me so. Maybe I’ll stop doing stupid things that way. Without harsh feedback, I’ll never learn my lesson. I’m just going to keep on frolic into the most obscure thought pastures my mind can possibly grow (what?). Point is, it takes a while to brainstorm these creative tales and silly features, and you’re taking them for granted!
– I’m always looking for help – If you have an topic that you are passionate about, and you’re looking for ways to open discourse with a ready-made audience of psychos and homos, I’m here to help. I don’t care if it pertains to science-fiction, scratch-off lottery tickets, catamaran sailing or celebrity upskirts, I’ll take your submissions and post them. I only ask that you understand the English language, and don’t ask for money. I don’t have any.
– I don’t care – I’m not looking to become a “cewebrity,” or make any money. I just enjoy sharing weird observations I make, writing about what irks me, and spreading love when I enjoy something. There are going to be grammar and spelling errors. There are going to be plenty of days when I phone in a mundane reaction to a news story, or devote a lone paragraph to something I noticed the previous day. All I ask is that you don’t hold me to a very high standard, because I’m consistently holding myself to the lowest standard possible. And if I wind up writing brilliant stories, and I inevitably get to nail a few hot pieces of ass, I’ll announce from the deck of an air force carrier, “Mission: Accomplished!”
– It’s a joke – An overwhelming majority of what’s written here is made up on the spot, which means it’s pretty much all unsubstantiated bullshit. Every seemingly racist, sexist, classist and homophobic insult that has appeared on this page is written with absolutely no malice intended. The same goes for any lofty claims I make, or praise I heap upon myself. I don’t really wish the Arcade Fire’s tour van would plummet into a fiery inferno, and I don’t honestly believe I’m responsible for starting a single hot new cultural trend. It’s all fake. It’s my take on the “sensationalize everything” code of mainstream journalism.
