In a week filled with film-related entries, it is only fitting that we end with a TOP TEN that ties everything together in a nice little package. Or not.
We watched An Inconvenient Truth last night. It was insightful, and the statistics and photographic evidence was quite shocking. The only aspect of the documentary that irked me was how at the beginning of his presentation, Mr. Gore tersely states, “This is not a political issue, this is an ethical issue.” Right on, I thought. Let’s put that shit behind us and focus on the environment! Slowly over the course of the film, more politicking creeps into the narrative, until finally Mr. Gore decides, “This is a political issue.” That kind of linguistic bullshit pisses me off, but hating politicians is not nearly as important as addressing Global Warming.
Earth, man. Wow. Here’s a list that might end up entirely unrelated to global warming.
TOP TEN REASONS WHY WEATHER MATTERS
10) snow days – Growing up, we could count on four or five snow days every year. In elementary school one year we had so many blizzards that they took away our April vacation. This year it snowed maybe three times. Think about all the families that can’t play in their fancy suburban backyards! Think about the schoolboys who can’t hurl snowballs at their secret female crushes. Weather matters because without snow, young girls and boys can’t snowball each other.
09) water – I saw these pictures in the documentary of eroding rivers and glacial streams. That’s where a lot of drinking water comes from. Sure, most of it has deer turds in it, and the only water you can trust is Penta, but not everyone can afford a $3 bottle of water like I can. Weather matters because a liter of water is healthier than a liter of soda.
08) ski resorts – I don’t ski. I never have, and I don’t really plan on trying it anytime soon. I think skiing is something that upper-crust white folks do, and I don’t want to affiliate with those people. Even if I wanted to start skiing now, I’d have a hard time finding a place where I could learn. Since it doesn’t snow anymore, all these ski resorts complain about the cost of creating their own snow, and their season has been greatly shortened. Weather matters because I deserve the same opportunities now that rich people had ten years ago.
07) foliage – When I was living in Vermont, autumn was marked by a crisp breeze, and stunning foliage. The colors on campus and in the Green Mountains certainly put the trees outside my childhood home to shame. Well, guess what? Autumn lasts for maybe thirty seconds now, and the opportunity to enjoy foliage is disappearing. Weather matters because it plays a roll in generating beautiful things to admire when on acid.
06) foodstuffs – I don’t know how droughts play into all this weather mumbo jumbo, because Al Gore didn’t mention the word “drought” in his presentation. But I’ll tell you this, the midwest went through an extreme drought when I was driving around the country in the summer of ’05, and watching all that dying corn was quite depressing. Weather matters because without corn, someone or some animal will likely starve.
05) short sleeves, hoodies, jeans – Wearing short-sleeved shirts is nice, and quite comfortable, but I don’t want to wear them all year long. I want it to be cold enough to wear hoodies too, and I want to be comfortable wearing jeans everyday. If I can’t do that, then maybe global warming has won. Weather matters because I don’t want to ever feel uncomfortable.
04) transportation – Crazy hurricanes, tornadoes, and snow storms all impede our abilities to get from one place to another. In warm weather, roads can be fixed and potholes can be filled, and planes will be on time, and there will be less nature-related car accidents on major highways. Maybe global warming and 365 days of heat wouldn’t be such a bad thing! Weather matters because I don’t want to be inconvenienced when I have to go somewhere
03) storms – Apparently all this damage we’re doing to Earth is related to the increasing veracity of storms. Something about rising ocean temperatures creating stronger storms. I don’t know how it works, I’m only a part-time scientist. I just know that if we fix the planet, the media will pay much less attention to creating panic every time it rains in the summer. Weather matters because cable news coverage of major storms pisses me off.
02) female dress code – Oh my god. Those first days of spring when girls can finally expose their arms and legs. That’s what makes life worth living, my friends. Plain and simple, it’s what makes Spring one of my favorites seasons. Weather matters because deserve the right to ogle young, scantily-clad girls.
01) four seasons – There used to be four seasons. Winter, Spring, Summer and Fall. Now there are only two seasons, Cold and Hot. This doesn’t seem right, or natural. We could always count on having around three months of mild weather twice a year. That doesn’t really happen anymore. The other day it was 73 degrees out, and the next day it was in the 30s. I don’t like it. Weather matters because I don’t like it when it’s not normal.
And there you have it. The most insightful list of reasons ever produced for why we need to save Earth. If you come away from what was obviously an enlightening read, I hope it’s this: We’re EarthLINGS, let’s not destroy EarthTHINGS.
