Woke up early this morning, and this horrible action movie was on HBO. Bruce Willis and Mos Def try to walk a dozen blocks in New York City without getting killed. Genius. The major villain is a crooked cop played by the same actor who played a crooked cop in The Negotiator, and a crooked NCO in The Rock; Definitely not one of the better bad guys I’ve watched in a film. Speaking of which, here’s a quick list of awesome bad guys, selected for completely unconventional reasons. I’m not talking about Norman Bates, Leatherface, and Hans Gruber. I’m talking about memorable portrayals that go unnoticed due to mainstream approval matrices and conventional “bad guy” logic. These are the unsung heroes.
TOP TEN MOVIE VILLAINS
10) Dean Sampson (She’s All That) – The only reason he makes the list is because I’m slightly hurried today and don’t have time to do much research. If you don’t recognize the name, I don’t blame you. It’s the blond guy in the movie who originally bets Freddie Prinze Jr. he can’t turn the dork into a hot chick, then tries to usurp his “friend” and date rape the newly crowned hot girl at post-prom. What a dick! He’s not so much a villain as he is a typical young guy. I mean, what guy didn’t attempt to build the confidence of an ugly girl just to get a blow job in high school?
09) Baxter Cain (BASEketball) – was the “evil” franchise owner in who tried to corrupt the moral integrity of the league following the death of Ted Denslow. Baxter was memorable because he was a douchey rich guy who got to fake-plow Jenny McCarthy. If that didn’t raise the ire of every fifteen year old in the theater, well, you’re probably a fag.
08) Vilos Cohaagen (Total Recall)- This guy was the worst kind of asshole. A tyrannical, intelligent political leader with fascist intentions. In the year 2084, after Mars became a tourist attraction, Vilos became unhappy with simply being “Chief Administrator of Mars”, and set his sights on ridding the entire planet of mutants. Look, I hate mutants as much as the next guy, but you can’t just say “Fuck ‘Em” and let them die after your own cheaply built structures caused the exposure to DNA-altering Mars air. That kind of ugly political deception makes me sick.
07) John Kreese Cobra Kai Sensei (Karate Kid)- Every list of movie villains contains a reference to Billy Zabka, the guy who played Johnny Lawrence in the Karate Kid movies and Greg Tolan in Just One Of The Guys. Where would he be without the expert tutelage of whack-job sensei John Kreese? Not only that, in KK2 Kreese goes so far as to strangle his own student! Talk about a real bad-ass. No mercy. No compassion. No one sneers and stares like John Kreese.
06) Lt. Thaddeus Harris (Police Academy) – What was his deal? Why couldn’t he just let Mahoney, Tackleberry, and the rest of the force do things their own way?
05) Biff Tannen (Back To The Future) – I can’t imagine how Marty McFly felt going back in time, only to see a bully continually attempt to fuck his mom and beat up his dad. Luckily, Marty had ingenuity and luck in his corner, and never faced the true wrath of Biff. In the end, Biff’s fatal flaw was his inability to avoid a well-timed truck filled with manure.
04) Gary Winston – Much like Vilos Cohaagen, Gary Winston was a shrewd genius with limitless resources. As the head of NURV, he’ll do anything to see continued profits, and missing the launch date for Synapse—a revolutionary global communications tool—could mean the end of his dominance in the field. So he kills young programmers and steals their code. I liken him to a younger version of my high school Computer Programming teacher, who was a depraved villainous cunt. That guy had it in for me the first day I stepped foot in his class, I just know it. In a forty-minute period, he would spend thirty-five minutes hovering over the shoulder of the fat girl on the other side of the room, and I could never get my work done in time because I had questions, too! What was I supposed to do, go in for extra help after school? Fuck you, I had a life!
03) Sil (Species) – Really, the movie sucked and I never saw any of the sequels. But my God, watching Natasha Henstridge’s breasts for the better part of an hour is a truly great experience. It’s revelatory.
02) Dean Vernon Wormer (Animal House) – Ohh, I hate that lousy dean! Why was he so bitter? Delta House was just a bunch of kids being kids. If I was there I would’ve loved to take some of the starch out of that stuffed shirt. I would’ve crank-called him and labeled him a stupid head, or rolled him up in a blanket and thrown him off a bridge, or hit him with my car…because nothing works quite like a good “running-you-over prank.”
# of Simpsons references used in five sentences: 6
01) Jean-Baptiste Emanuel Zorg (The Fifth Element) – In my mind, he’s the epitome of a bad (as in, dumb) movie villain. He manages to suck at everything he does without coming off like a bumbling idiot. Zorg is an everyday guy with big dreams and little-to-no street smarts. Take for example, the scene where he chokes on the cherry in his office. Though he managed to build an empire on dirty business practices, he’s still inane enough to kill himself on a measly berry. Is a cherry a berry? Whatever. Zorg is a true movie villain. He’s rational and calculating, but also human. That’s what we want in a bad guy. Believability. Not some guy guy with pins in his head or a fat guy in a hockey mask.
