It’s hard for me to see the keyboard and monitor as I type this missive. I just got home from the eye doctor, and my pupils are still dilated. Everything looks nice and fuzzy. Is this what heaven is like, only warmer? I hear clouds are cold. We may never know.
So, apparently I’m blind. Or, at least, that’s what the ophthalmologist tells me. He didn’t think my, “I enjoy the challenge of not knowing what’s in front of me when I drive—it’s kind of like a video game!” excuse for why I haven’t once worn the glasses that were prescribed for me in high school. Since then, my eyes have deteriorated to such an extent that I can’t get away with being negligent anymore. In his words, “If you were applying for a driver’s license today, you wouldn’t get one.” Kinda harsh, don’t you think, doc?
My point is, I have to get glasses. And wear them. The horror…The horror.
Other than that, my peripheral vision is good, my retinas aren’t cracking or tearing, and he didn’t notice any brain tumors. In the end, I guess I got out of there with a decent bill of octal health? Is it octal health? What’s the other word for vision in that context? Why am I typing exactly what’s passing through my mind at each precise moment? What the hell do they put in these drops, anyway?
Oh, and the dilated pupils. I went to use the bathroom while the drops were taking effect, and…oh man, let’s put it this way: my pupils haven’t looked like that in quite some time!
(cue screenplay excerpt)
INT. UNDERGROUND EURO-DANCE CLUB CIRCA 1981 – NIGHT
EVAN is clutching a bottle of water and sweating profusely as he writhes among a sea of bodies moving in unison to the sounds of an early Depeche Mode twelve-inch.
EVAN: I feel amazing! I never want this night to end! Feed me more feel-good candy!
He throws his arms in the air and closes his eyes as the club’s rotating, spinning overhead lights wash over him. The camera pulls out and he becomes lost in a sea of ravers.
FADE OUT
—
The new podcast is ready and available for you, if you are willing to accept it into you. Like a drunken footballer after the homecoming game, it will find a way to get inside you and have its way with you. Please, enjoy Episode 5 of The Best Podcast You Have: Circulations Amethyst. As previously stated, this episode (download here) is entitled, “Vibrofile.” As always, you can subscribe from the official homepage, or add Podcast Jack as a friend on MySpace.
Furthermore, watch the YouTube version of Episode 4, in case you’ve yet to see the first “videocast”. I smell an Emmy (Emmy?). No, wait. That’s me. I guess I forgot to shower today.
See you (or, at the very least, try in vain to make out your silhouette from afar) tomorrow.
