Another night of pool (we’ve now got a chalkboard with standings, and I’m in last place—the worst billiards player in the group) and podcast work left us with more than enough sounds to ensure Jack can complete Episode 5 (audio) in the coming hours. Once finished, we’ll all get started on animating and compiling the complimentary video-cast. If my sneak peak at this episode was any indication of what is to come, this will be the darkest episode yet. Slow-paced, sparse sound-bytes, with very minimalist music. It might be one of my favorites. You will see.
It’s the weekend, and many of you beautiful readers will be venturing out into your nearby metropolitan centers, arm-in-arm with a loved one, or perhaps to meet someone new for a first date. Well, let me tell you something, kiddo. I’ve got a lot of first date experience. Not so much second or third date experience, but definitely a LOT of first date experience. If these tribulations (I call them tribulations because they are indeed insufferable most of the time) have taught me anything, it’s that there are many rules of conduct that should be followed on a first date. For example, you have to look presentable (What? Why? No one ever told me that one!), because girls in their twenties are just starting to realize they can’t date complete losers anymore. It’s as if the tick-tock of their biological clocks have finally become audible, and important attributes (such as: looks, sense of humor) take a back seat to stupider, unimportant factors (such as: does he have a job? how much does he make?). Also, they want to talk about mature, newsworthy topics, like war, and Anna Nicole Smith.
Well, reader. I’m here for you. Not in the sense that I can tell you what to do in order to get laid (my best advice would be, pretend to care about what she says, steal really elaborate stories from obscure texts and pretend you lived them), but I can certainly tell you what not to do. So here’s what I’m going to do: this is my personal list of things NOT to talk about on a first date. I don’t expect you to memorize it all at once—there’s a lot of information to internalize—but once you have each of these ten topics committed to memory, you’ll can ensure a smooth first encounter. Hell, she might even answer her phone the next time you want to see her.
TOP TEN BAD CONVERSATION TOPICS FOR FIRST DATE (SO AS TO ENSURE HOT SEX!):
10 – delinquency – The first three entries on this list I refer to as, “the three D’s.” The first one is delinquency. Do not—under any circumstances—tell her if you have any prior convictions for a misdemeanor or felony. I know this might seem like a beneficial topic, because girls love guys who emit an aura of danger, but at this point in life she’s looking to sleep with the lawyer, not the defendant.
09 – drugs – The second of the three D’s is “drugs,” and you should avoid this topic for similar reasons to those of delinquency. You might feel cooler talking about that collapse into addiction and the ensuing stint in rehab, but you’re almost in your thirties now, and the only people with serious habits in that age bracket are the freaks you read about on The Smoking Gun, or see on those commercials produced by anti-drug groups, with a series of dissolving pictures portraying the physical changes undergone by meth-heads. If you’re one of those people who’s really anti-social and needs to talk about drugs in some capacity, try talking about “the war on drugs,” or a recent story you read in TIME about the pharmaceutical industry.
08 – divorce – The last of the three D’s is “divorce.” To be perfectly honest, not even your shrink wanted to hear you bitch and complain about how upset you were when your parents split up. In fact, if you could astral project, you’d take one look at yourself crying on that therapist’s couch and you’d have to force yourself not to punch that whiny brat in his stupid, tear-streaked face. Now, imagine you’re a girl who hasn’t had a good fuck in six months. You’re ready to drop your skirt and ride the first idiot you meet like he’s a dildo on a skateboard, but instead you have to listen to some sad sap cry in his beer about how he hasn’t really recovered from it yet. Pathetic, right?
07 – your pets – Remember, you’re supposed to try to be the guy she calls when she wants sex, or at the very least put yourself in position to take her to another bar next weekend (after which you should get laid—otherwise, move on to the next one). You’re not supposed to try to to be the guy she calls when she wants to “grab some lunch and hit up Fred Segal.” You avoid this predicament by talking about things other than your pets.
Why the fuck do I even know what Fred Segal is? And what vital bit of information got squeezed out of my brain when that took it’s place? Thanks a lot, life.
06 – past relationships – She’s going to realize what your faults are eventually. Don’t tell her about your stalker tendencies or how you’ve had trust issues in the past, but are totally over them now. Just pretend you’re confident and hope for the best (sex, and maybe a home-cooked meal or two). Bringing up your last relationship, and how you started off really close but then the girl turned out to be a total psycho who couldn’t bear to be without you, is going to disturb her. She won’t hear the “she was I psycho” part (even if she really was), she’ll hear something else (I don’t know what, because I’m not a girl, and I can’t even begin to figure out what they’re thinking at any moment in time). That something else will probably make her weary about “getting too close.” Ugh. Women.
05 – astrology – I never really understood astrology, what it’s significance was, or which mental disturbance is characterized by people who find it interesting, I just know not to talk about it. Ever. The whole zodiac thing is stupid, anyway. People draw lines connecting stars and pretend they look like things. I’ve got news for you. There are literally hundreds of stars in the sky. I bet if you handed me a piece of paper with a bunch of stars plotted on it, I could connect the dots and come up with some pretty weird shit, too. Oh wow, an archer. Oooh, a hunter. I’ll connect the dots and draw you an entire colony of fucking super-race aliens holding hands and giving YOU the finger.
04 – rape – I made this mistake once. Whatever, I made ONE measly rape joke, and I had to suffer through a thirty-minute lecture about how unfunny the joke was and how serious the issue was. Jesus, lady, why don’t you run for congress or something if you’re so adamant about it. Either get up and leave, or shut up and fake a laugh. Otherwise you’re wasting BOTH our time.
03 – family tree – As much as I love talking about my uncle Abe, his cross-dressing, drug-addicted history, and how his life was cut short tragically when he jumped to his death from his room, it’s not what she wants to hear five-minutes into our first encounter. If there’s a history of mental illness in your family, don’t talk about it. Remember—she’s sizing you up. She wants to see what you bring to the table as far as intellect and stability. This includes mental stability. I know the story about your brother who drove through eight states wearing a girl’s dismembered head as a wig worked really well at frat parties, but it also raises a red flag on a date.
02 – politics – If she shows up wearing a “hang darkies” t-shirt, or spends the entire time talking about the environment and abortion issues, lose her phone number. There’s nothing worse than a self-righteous activist. If she starts up, just agree with her. If she asks who you voted for, just say you voted for whoever she voted for. If she flat-out asks your party without divulging any information, tell her you’re an independent who votes the issue, not the party. It’s a total wuss move, but why screw up a chance to FUCK based on what you believe in your heart? If you have to know, if you’re one of those people who refuses to sleep with a Republican, you can find out a person’s allegiances through other means of conversation.
01 – you – Our generation isn’t exactly the baby boomers part deux, but we were raised by them, so naturally we inherited their ability to speak—without end—about all things “me”. It seems perfectly normal to share life stories. I know the feeling of needing to focus a conversation on myself. It’s something many people struggle against, and others never recognize. Well, if you want to make a great impression, focus the conversation on the lady. Ask her questions. Seem interested. Nod. Furrow your brow and follow up with a related query. If you manage to pull it off; if you manage to make it through the night without coming off like a self-absorbed douchebag, she’s going to invite you home.
Oh, that reminds me—for the love of God, never tell her that you still live at home. You’re in the process of moving, and you don’t have any furniture or electricity in your apartment. In fact, you can’t even remember where you left your key.
