Hey, it’s okay if you don’t have plans for New Year’s Eve! Lots of people don’t. In fact, I hear it’s pretty common for people to eschew the whole party scene and actually spend time with their families or loved ones. I know, I know, it sounds really lame, and there’s no chance of taking home some drunk NYU-er, but it eliminates the frustration of figuring out transportation and it saves you money! So if you’re looking for ways to spend New Year’s Eve having an awesome time for less than $10, please allow me to help with a quick list of ideas.
1) Buy a four-pack of Dogfish Head 120 Minute IPA (at roughly $9) and stay at home watching the Twilight Zone Marathon. The combination of 20% ABV beers and psychological/metaphysical old-school television programming will more than keep you warm and satisfied while you’re friends are stuck in some shitty club overflowing with bridge-and-tunnel scum.
2) Everybody knows that cops love New Year’s because it gives them the chance to pick-off drunken motorists, or hand out citations on city streets for public intoxication. What this means is that they’re focusing too hard on petty things, while many other illegal activities go completely unnoticed. This is the perfect opportunity for you to smoke some pot and shoot off illegal fireworks, or hunt small animals out in the woods somewhere, all with nobody noticing. You could probably knock over a 7-11 and they wouldn’t figure out what happened until Tuesday. I’m not advocating any of this, I’m just saying…
3) Buy a small-sized cake–maybe a Carvel ice-cream cake ($5 or $6), a 2 litre bottle of soda ($3)– and drive to visit a sick or ailing friend/relative. Odds are they’ll be alone, watching Dick Clark or some stupid VJ on television (perhaps even from a hospital bed). If you have a heart you’ll realize there are more important, altruistic things you can do with your night than trying (in vain, most likely) to get your dick wet.
4) If you are not the product of a broken home, and you still live a reasonable distance from where your family resides, I’m willing to guess you can celebrate New Year’s with your folks without having to spend one penny. They probably have a liquor cabinet, and maybe some Coke (note the capital C, I’m talking about a brand) or tonic water. I bet they’ve got a stash of cocktail franks, too. Maybe even chips and salsa. Sounds pretty good, right? Maybe even better than struggling to hear your friends over the “UNTZ UNTZ UNTZ UNTZ” of the PA system at the place you paid $50 just for the ability to hang out inside, or the bar with $10 mixed drinks.
5) Go to sleep. Sleeping is much more fun and comfortable than snorting Adderall in the hopes of rocking all night with those new friends you met at the bar. Once you reach your mid-twenties, hasn’t the allure of New Year’s parties dissipated? Yeah, it was fun in high school when we’d go to Matt’s basement and get trashed and finger mousy Jewish girls in the dark. Yeah, it was fun in college when we’d hang out at the apartment in the city and get trashed and finger self-conscious college girls, but at some point doesn’t getting trashed and fingering girls get boring? No. No it doesn’t. That’s why it’s uncool to stay home on New Year’s Eve.
