Ever start watching a really bad, but sort-of intriguing movie, only to find that you can’t leave your seat until it has ended? This morning I had the unfortunate displeasure of watching the film “National Treasure” at 4:00am. Why? Well, it certainly didn’t have anything to do with the remarkable ACTING TALENT of one Nicholas Cage. I think it was a combination of boredom and indefinable sleeping habits as a result of severe caffeine addiction. Nevertheless, watching inevitable future Oscar winner Nick Cage and a cast of motley (yet remarkably attractive) history-experts-cum-treasure-hunters race across the mid-Atlantic states in search of billions of dollars in lost artifacts kept me amused for its duration. It also got me thinking about potential crazy jobs in which I could immerse myself. Since there already seems to be a formidable population of sexy treasure hunters, I’ll have to look elsewhere to get my kicks and unfathomable riches.
Mad Scientist: Think about it. I could hold the world hostage for a veritable fortune, and create a plethora of inventions both practical and useless. For example, I could invent mechanical legs for cars, which would enable people to escape from traffic. Or, I could create a jet pack that won’t incinerate the user’s legs upon powering-up. The only problem is, I’d probably have to improve my math and science skills, which are–sadly–lacking.
Time Traveler: I could be like Indiana Jones, but instead of helping people and solving mysteries in real-time, I’ll go back and forward in time preventing crises and solving crimes. Not only will I probably score high-level gash from hot women throughout history (think Madam Curie, or some hot future alien bitch!), but the world would be forever safe from “evil doers.” The only problem is, I’d probably have to first invent time travel. Also, the time travel process would have to occur slowly, because I get motion sickness.
Caveman: How many modern day humans actually live in caves and wear animal furs? How many people do you know (outside of Midwesterners) that communicate with each other using a series of grunts and body language? It’d be like “Encino Man,” but way less gay. The only problem is, I’d have to somehow unlearn everything I know to the point of forgetting basic motor skills and bowel control, and I’d probably have to bulk-up or else I’d be killed by lions or something.
Bad cop: I’m sure they exist now, but not to the extent that you’d see in a blockbuster films. I could rise through the ranks based on merit and good deeds, and then one day I’d turn corrupt, and become the crucial link in a really intricate crime syndicate. I could take bribes and steal evidence and offer protection to some really bad dudes. Come to think of it, I might as well just run for public office (zing!). The only problem is, I think I’d have to go back to school to become a cop, and honestly, I don’t have the patience for that.
Space Marine: I remember a time in middle school and high school when I would stay up late playing video games like DOOM and QUAKE. All the games had these weird plotlines where your character was a space marine who had become stranded on another planet, and needed to kill a whole lot of gnarly looking aliens. Well, I got pretty good at being a space marine then, so I figure I’d still be good at it now, right? The only problem is, I usually had cheat codes so that I wouldn’t die, and when I didn’t use cheat codes, I died quite often. Odds are, if I ever came up against a giant space alien hellbent on killing me or eating me, I’d probably die. I’d fold like a lemonade stand on a rainy day. Whoa, what an obscure analogy.
