That’s right, folks. It took me a little over four months, but I evened the score in the ongoing battle between Corporate America and myself. I suppose that–technically–the score was settled when I ripped apart the bill FedEx sent me following their mishandling of my shipment to Canada, but their prolonging our discourse for months before admitting to incompetence led me to tip my cap to them. For the time being, it appeared that Big Business had the edge over me, the little guy.
Until today.
You see, I’m no telecom buff (even though I have dual degrees in telecomology and telecomonomy), but I do know that if your phone randomly starts ringing and doesn’t stop until you turn it off, or if your phone forgets to ring when a call comes in, or if the screen goes black instead of telling you there is a call/text coming in, there’s probably a problem. I also know that if this is your third replacement phone, and each one has been worse than the last, there’s probably a design flaw in that model (Motorola E-815).
So, I called Verizon and I let those fuckers have it. I let those fuckers have it while reaching new levels of irateness (a true test of my inner-strength, considering I usually display about as much emotion as a coffee table). All in an effort to get a free phone upgrade instead of waiting another six months. I even whipped out some gems like, “The contract I signed with Verizon is predicated on my ability to communicate with other people, right? In fact–I’m pretty sure that’s the whole premise of your business, is it not? Well, answer me this: Why should I pay you for the ability to not talk?” Really, it was an ass-raping. I should have recorded it for you, but I think there are laws against that.
After an hour of call transfers, Verizon agreed to send me a brand new LG phone. Without a doubt, I have drawn even against Big Business. Just think of me as The Terminator against T-2, or Strawberry Shortcake against The Peculiar Purple Pieman of Porcupine Peak. I look forward to my next trip to the trenches, because I fight for you, loyal readers! All six of you! Seven, if you count me.
